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Civil Rights Gets You a Day Off From Work

January 19, 2009

So it’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day here in America. For some it’s a celebration of the civil rights movement and reminder of how far we’ve come as a people and how far we have yet to go. For others, it’s a free day off from work that allows us to drink all day on Sunday without worrying about waking up for work the next day. Unless you were one of the half-million people who lost their job last month, in that case it’s just another Monday except that the post office is closed.

I’m in the fourth category: getting hammered in a bar on a Monday afternoon. And I’m doing it with the Numero Uno Cracker in the Land, former Mississippi Senator Trent Lott. And after a few rounds of Jager shots, I learn something about the former senator/now current lobbyist.

“Trent Lott ain’t afraid of no man!” Trent Lott yells, then turn suddenly sheepish. “Except Bill Clinton.”

“Why Bill Clinton?” I say.

“He’s the god damn devil incarnate,” says Trent Lott. “That honkey’s got a body count bigger than cancer,”

“That’s actually not true,” I say. “The Clinton Body Count is just a myth.”

“You ain’t seen what I seen, man!” Trent Lott says. “You weren’t out there on the streets like I was. Motherfucker’s got the biggest pimp hand in the nation, and he swings that shit around hard. Untouchable, man. Elliot Ness ain’t got shit on him.”

And then the doors of the bar get kicked open and in struts Bill Clinton, and he’s got more gold around his neck than Mr. T.

“You talkin’ about me again, boy?” Bill Clinton yells at Trent Lott, pointing at him.

“No, man,” Trent Lott says, jumping in fright. “I ain’t said shit.”

“My ears were burnin’, honkey,” says Bill Clinton. “Don’t make me slap the truth out your mouth.”

“I ain’t saying shit, man, honest,” Trent Lott says. I’ve never seen him this frightened ever.

“That’s right, you ain’t saying shit ’cause your ass ain’t shit,” Bill Clinton says, drinking Trent Lott’s beer and then grabbing him by his lapels. “‘My dick created more jobs than you or any of your punk-ass friends ever did and ever will. My dick stacks more paper than you’ll ever see.”

“No doubt, man. No doubt,” Trent Lott says. Damn that’s a scared honkey.

“So the next time I hear you shit-talking me, boy, I will not only smoke your ass but I’ll inhale this time,” says Bill Clinton, letting Trent Lott go. “Now take your ass to the men’s room. I’m going to fuck your hair.”

And that’s when Bill Clinton sees me sitting there. His mood instantly shifts and he shakes my hand. “Hi, nice to meet you. Remember to donate to the hurricane relief fund.” Then he drags Trent Lott into the bathroom.

Ten minutes later, Bill Clinton comes out of the men’s room and leaves the bar. Five minutes after that, Trent Lott comes out of the bathroom, sits back down at the bar, and says nothing. It’s another five minutes before I have the nerve to speak.

“Um, why did-”

“Because HE CAN!” Trent Lott yells, his eyes clinching shut as if to shut out the memory of twenty minutes ago. Then he starts crying. “Because he can…”

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6 comments

  1. You tell T-Lott I got his back.


  2. amid all the other truth on this site, i’m thinking this post is a farce. i KNOW my buddy Trent ain’t ‘fraid of nothin’! not even the Billster.


  3. I never realised Bubba was such a bad man.


  4. It’s the secret reason why Republicans lose their shit whenever the topic of Bill Clinton comes up. Of course people like Mitt Romney or Rudy Guiliani or Sean Hannity can’t go on television and tell the world Bill Clinton fucked their hair. So they get mad at him for other less important stuff.


  5. head hair or pubes?


  6. Head hair… because it’s funnier.



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