Does this Ninja Garb Make My Ass Look Fat?

January 21, 2009

So I read a story about a guy of a rotund nature dressed up as a ninja trying to steal ATM machines in Florida, and I go to the ninja authority to discuss the matter.

“Real ninjas do not have pot bellies,” says Ninja Vicki. “You can’t do a backflip with a giant gut. You can’t move stealthily and unseen through the shadows with a fat ass.”

“My real question is how do you steal a whole ATM machine?” I say.

“A forklift and a pickup truck, I guess,” says Ninja Vicki. “But ninjas don’t use vehicles to steal things. Ninjas only steal what they can carry. Money, jewelry, DVD box sets, unassembled IKEA furniture…”

This explains why Ninja Vicki sleeps on an inflatable mattress instead of an actual bed. It’s hard for a ninja to sneak a mattress or a futon out of a store, let alone carry it all the way back to her house.

“What if you could break open the ATM on-site and get the money out there instead of hauling it somewhere and busting it open there?” I say.

Ninja Vicki shakes her head. “No good. ATM’s have cameras. Plus ATM’s are usually out in the open. Too much exposure for proper ninja-ing. I’d have to wait for someone to withdraw some funds, follow them until they’re away from the ATM camera, then swoop down and yap that fool.”

“Which is sort of like how everyone else robs people at the ATM,” I say.

“Yeah, but I jump through the trees, hide in the shadows, and swoop down without them even seeing me,” says Ninja Vicki. “I do it with style.”

Ninjas do it with style? No, that’s not a funny bumper sticker. Ninjas do it with their masks on? Hmm… a little better. Ninjas do it without you seeing them? That might work.





  1. For all we know, Ninja Vicki could be clumsy as fuck, since we technically never see her in action.

    • You’re not supposed to see a ninja in action. If you do, they will kill you for seeing them.

      And Ninja Vicki’s done stuff. She always enters or leaves a building either through a window or the roof. She breaks into people’s houses on Black Friday while they’re out shopping for Christmas presents (or hides their Easter Eggs during the Easter season). And she once roundhouse kicked Mikka in the head for asking her if she had any cool Mortal Kombat ninja powers. Ninja Vicki is only socially awkward.

  2. Ninja are masters of disguise, so might (check with Vikki) resort to creating a fake ATM that people use to make deposits or withdraw cash. After a few days, the ninja will have gathered hundreds or thousands of acct. numbers and passwords, and then can just access the bank accts. via the Web at their leisure.
    P.S.: This has been done by crooks many times.

  3. ‘Ninjas do it without you seeing them?’

    Well so do stalkers hanging outside peoples windows… not that I’d know anything about that.

  4. how about “ninjas do it with Anonymous Doug”?

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