No one euphamisms up a storm

January 23, 2009

“Could you give up swearing?”  I say to Bernie the Half Cyborg Cat.

“No, not in the least,” says Bernie.  “Cat language is like Sicilian, it’s mostly curse words.”

“Because I read about some kid who started a No Cussing Club and I pondered whether I could go without swearing for like a week,” I say.

“You wouldn’t even make it to breakfast without saying ‘fuck,'” says Bernie.

“I know that, it’s in my genetic code to swear like a motherfucker,” I say.  I’m half-Irish and half-Italian.  Those are the upper echelon of nationalities known for colorful language.  “Besides, I find too many occasions in my life where swearing is warranted and necessary.”

“Plus it helps release stress in the workplace and elsewhere,” says Bernie.   “Swearing sure beats shooting up your office.”

“And swearing is highly appropriate in the act of dirty sweaty lovemaking,” I say.  “It’s often the sign of a very pleasant experience.”

“Yeah, if I don’t hear Marlie say fuck or shite or something after coitus I know she didn’t enjoy it,” says Bernie.

“And swearing adds some extra pizazz to lines of dialog in movies,” I say.  “Like in the movie ‘They Live ‘when Roddy Piper says ‘I am here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubblegum.’  That line doesn’t work with the word ‘butt.’  You need ass to make that line work.”

“It would certainly make any Martin Scorcese or Quentin Tarantino movie less enjoyable to watch,” says Bernie.  “As well as The Big Lebowski and the South Park movie.”

“And it’s not like not cussing will make words less hurtful either,” I say.  “The worse things I’ve ever said to people didn’t involve swear words.  Like when I tell people who piss me off that I hope their children die in pointless drunk driving accidents.  I think that’s way worse than saying fuck.”

“Um… yeah, that is worse,” says Bernie.  “Way worse.  Dude, you actually say that to people?  That is fucked up, man.”

So rest assured that we here at Renal Failure will continue our use of salty language for the benefit of humanity.





  1. Hoo-fucking-ray!

  2. In regards to a No Cussing Club, and speaking as another person who is, in fact, half Irish and half Italian, I say, “fuck that.”

  3. I loves me some swearing… in fact… poo, no wait I can do better… ARSE!

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