A new name, some fresh paint, you’d never know people’s human rights were violated here

January 29, 2009

So they’re going to reopen the infamous Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq, and give it a new name. It reminds me of the local diner in town where the chef cut off a customer’s head with a meat cleaver and they changed the name of the restaurant like five times over the next five months. As if that was going to make people forget that someone got their head cut off there.

Anyway, that gets us to thinking about what to rename Abu Ghraib (they’re renaming it Baghdad’s Central Prison, which is just lame). Admittedly this is a step down from when we tried to name our friends’ babies, but it’s a worthwhile exercise until another person we know gets preggers.

“The Prison Formerly Known as Abu Ghraib,” suggests Bernie the Half Cyborg Cat. “Look, everyone’s still going to call it Abu Ghraib anyway. And Prince isn’t use that ‘artist formerly known as’ routine anymore.”

“AwesomeVille,” says Mikka. “If you want to get people to forget what happened there, you’re gonna need a crazy name.”

“Auschwitz,” says Ninja Vicki. “If you name it something worse, people will forget what it was originally called.”

“Mabu Fraib,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “If you can mock something, its power is lessened.”

“Anal Town,” says Anonymous Doug. “No, wait… that’s the name of a porno I watched the other night.

“DisneyWorld,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Just because Disney pisses me off.”

“Can they just affix the phrase ‘Now with 50 percent less torture’ in Arabic to the new name?” says Samurai Cathy. “Just like how my detergent says ‘Now with 50 percent more cleaning power.’ That’s what got me to buy it.”

Next we hope the Iraqis learn to put the word “Extreme” in front of everything, because the surest sign of freedom is mindless marketing jargon.





  1. Well, first of all, you must not have gotten too drunk, because you’re still here on the day after your birthday.

    Second, Samuria Cathy and Ninja Vicki both have good ideas. I’m split with whose idea is better.

    Third, did your Wiccan friend use any of your cast of characters’ suggestions? They were so good.

  2. Actually I write posts in advance. That and I drank a lot this past weekend.

    Unfortunately none of the names I suggested for my friends’ babies were taken. I guess they didn’t want to put undue pressure on their kids to live up to the high level of awesomeness inherent in those names.

  3. How bout Happy Jihadist Re-Education Center for the Explosivelly Challenged. That would fool ’em. And my better half is knocked up so any name suggestions will be taken under consideration. It’s going to be a boy, i’ve already tossed out Space Mountain and Magic Johnson but the girl isn’t to keen on those.

  4. Bottom line, “chop your head off” will always be “chop your head off.” The best option is to just make some PSAs starring Wayne Brady to give it a fresh, hip, new paradigm. That and a fresh coat of paint, and there ya go.

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