It’s like Mean Girls… Except They All Have Super Powers

February 3, 2009

Crimson Paraplegic got in trouble with the authorities the other night over an incident of unnecessary aggression. Seems that the crippled one went a bit too far during her apprehension of some bank robbers and was given a warning.

“Okay, so maybe it was an error in judgment to have dropped that one guy on his head, paralyzing him from the neck down,” says Crimson Paraplegic as we share a few drinks on my roof. “And maybe throwing that guy by his arm, and thus ripping it from his shoulder, was a bit much too. But I was having a really bad day.”

“How so?” I ask, knowing that superhero bad days aren’t like regular people bad days.

“I didn’t get in to the Super Six Sorority,” says Crimson Paraplegic.

“But you’re not in college,” I say.

“No, it’s a new superhero group that just formed,” Crimson Paraplegic said. “They were originally going to just be the Super Sorority, but no one wanted to be in a group whose initials were ‘SS.'”

“So why didn’t you get accepted?” I ask. “Did they not have room for you? Because they could have gone up to being the Super Seven Sorority and kept the SSS initials.”

“First, I knew I was in trouble when I found out Radiant Gale was heading up the group,” says Crimson Paraplegic.  “Then they made it clear that they were only going to take one superhero with a disability. Some bullshit about it being easier to market the group.  I didn’t much like that, but hey that’s the hard reality of life.”

“Okay, so the group leader is someone you don’t get along with and they let you know ahead of time you’re going to be the token disabled member of the team,” I say.  “Why be mad about not getting in?”

“Because being in a supergroup gives a superhero the kind of visibility and fame that can really make a superhero’s career,” says Crimson Paraplegic.  “And if I have to swallow some pride and be the handicapped hire and work with Radiant Tits, so be it.”

“So how did it go wrong?”  I say.

“I got sold out by my so-called friend Deaf Leopard,” says Crimson, referring to the deaf superhero with super speed and retractable claws.  “She told Radiant Gale how I talk a lot of smack on how skimpy her superhero outfit is.  Specifically how her primary superpower is keeping her breasts from flopping out.  After that, I was out and she got in as the handicapped hire.”

“So Deaf Leopard ratted on you to get a spot in the Super Six Sorority?”  I say.  “That’s cold.”

“And I helped that treacherous twat move to a new apartment too,” say Crimson.  “Fuckin’ sell out.”

“So what are you going to do now?” I say.

“I guess I keep working with Mercury Shadow defending this town,” says Crimson. “I just wanted to be in a super group so bad. They get all the best villains. The Sorority is already gearing up to battle Afro Mecha-Hitler and his Black Panzer Party. Who do I get fight? Frickin’ Doctor Platonic and the Lacrosstitute. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother putting on the cape at all.”

I never knew how important career advancement was to superheroes. Or maybe I did once and then promptly forgot about it.

crimson smallnote




  1. ‘Specifically how her primary superpower is keeping her breasts from flopping out.’

    Not much of a power if you ask me…

  2. if she retires I’ll take the cape thanks

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