Come on! The Bronze Medalist is Doing Coke Off a Stripper’s Ass!

February 4, 2009

So people are making a fuss over the picture of 14-time Gold Medalist Michael Phelps taking a bong hit at some party.  I went to an expert on the subject for some clarity on the subject.

“I’m surprised he wasn’t taking a bong hit out the hollowed out skull of a wayward hooker,” says Anonymous Doug.  ” The man won eight gold medals in a single Olympics.  That’s gotta be worth a few free murders.”

I then inform Anonymous Doug that he has 14 gold medals in his Olympic career, the most of any Olympian.

“Shit, then he’s got a boatload of free murders stored up,” says Anonymous Doug.  “He must be saving them for something big… like for making a body suit out of women’s skin.”

I then inform Anonymous Doug that winning gold medals at the Olympics does not give you free murders.

“And right there, that’s why Americans don’t care about the Olympics,” says Anonymous Doug.  “What good is it to be the best in the world at something and to be a national hero if you don’t get some outrageous perks for it?”

“I think Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong can get away with anything, but they landed on the moon,” I say.  “Is that better than winning 14 gold medals in the Olympics?”

“Yeah, but it’s very close,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I say Michael Phelps has earned the right to do whatever the hell he wants.  He can shoot heroin right into his ballsack.  He can gnaw a fresh adrenal gland out a rabbit’s back.  He can smoke weed out of out of a human spine that he’s ripped out of some random dude off the street.  And that’s just for starters, because 14 gold medals should buy you a lot more freedom than it currently does.  We should live in honored fear of our Olympic gold medalists, and be damned grateful when they decide to kill us just because they can.”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with your dream of having Mary Lou Retton strangling you to death with her legs, does it?”  I say.

“I’ll also accept Kerri Strug, Dorothy Hamill, and whoever those chicks were on the women’s beach volleyball team,” says Anonymous Doug.

Me?  I’m partial to Katarina Witt.





  1. Human spine bong. That’s not terrifying.

    I really am not a big fan of Phelps. At all. Except for the whole, like, torso part of him.

  2. He’s a swimmer… he swims for a living… for a living… I think I’ve made my point.

  3. how about leg strangulation by Nadia Comaneci?

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