George Washington’s Day of the Dead

February 16, 2009

“You know, if there was a zombie outbreak in the 1700’s, the human race would have been wiped out,” says Mikka.

“What brought this on?” I say.

“I heard about a book called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which is the Jane Austen book except with zombies,” says Mikka. “And it got me thinking about how 18th century folk would fare against a zombie outbreak.”

“Not very well I take it,” I say.

“Escape would be difficult because your only options would be by foot or by horse,” says Mikka.

“And horses spook easily, especially in the face of brain-eating hordes,” I say.

“The lack of proper food storage would make hunkering down in one location for an extended period of time not a very good option,” says Mikka. “No canned goods. No bottled watter.”

“And all those open wells increase the chances of zombie contamination,” I say. “Depending on your rules of zombification.”

“The only weapons to be had in this time period are farm tools and muskets,” says Mikka. “A musket may be able to take out one zombie, but that’s why they travel in packs.”

“Plus your average aristocrat is not going to be able to wield a scythe well enough to ward off a zombie horde,” I say.

“All those factors add up to a zombie victory over humanity,” says Mikka.

“Unless the zombies had to fight the Revolutionary Army,” I say. “For fuck’s sake, they beat the British.”

“They would have cannons,” says Mikka, pondering my theory. “And zombies do sort of march in formation.”

“Come on, you don’t think George Washington could successfully defend the 13 colonies from zombies?” I say.

“He could in his prime,” says Mikka. “So could Andrew Jackson. But not Thomas Jefferson or Abraham Lincoln.”

“What about Barack Obama?” I say.

“He is half-white, so that might give him immunity from the Black Guy Always Dies rule in horror movies,” says Mikka. “Maybe he ends up like the black guy at the end of the original Night of the Living Dead. Survives the zombies but gets shot by rednecks mistaking him for a zombie.”

This is the strangest Presidents Day I’ve ever been sober for.

mikka smallnote




  1. but why are you sober?

  2. Edwin Barton would have whooped some zombie arse in his day… am I right Nurse…

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