Tag Larkin is a Man of Culture

February 17, 2009

Tag Larkin is a man of culture.

The other day Tag Larkin informed me that he had been taking an art course at the local community college, and that I was invited to his class’s final project art show where he would be showing off what he had done during the semester. Well, not really invited so much as physically coerced. But luckily I got Tina the Lesbian to come with me because there was going to be wine and cheese served, and lesbians love wine and cheese.

“And this one is titled ‘Tag Larkin Fucks a Unicorn,'” says Tag Larkin, showing us his first work. “Notice the dramatic use of light and shadow, especially around where I’m grabbing the horn and pulling back the unicorn’s head.”

“That’s… that’s something,” Tina the Lesbian says, nervously nibbling on some gouda.

“Yup, that’s definitely you fucking a unicorn right there,” I say, putting on my art face. That’s where I squint my eyes, put my hand on my chin, and thoughtfully nod as if I see the deeper meaning in what I’m looking at.

Tina and I refresh our wine glasses and grab some more tiny cubes of cheese. Tag Larkin is drinking straight from the bottle (a nice chardonnay) and has a whole wedge of Camembert in his other hand.

“Now this one has a lot of personal meaning to Tag Larkin,” says Tag Larkin. “This one is called ‘Tag Larkin Fucks a Centaur.'”

“Wow, you are really fucking the hell out of that half-woman, half-horse,” I say.

“So is there any particular reason both you and that rather busty centaur are crying in this painting?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“We weep for the children,” says Tag Larkin. “It’s like Guernica, except with more fucking.”

“I’ve always said Picasso needed more fucking in his works,” I say.

“He has, I’ve heard him,” says Tina the Lesbian. “He also says the same thing about Norman Rockwell.”

Tag Larkin polishes off his bottle of wine and then cracks open a tall boy of Pabst Blue Ribbon, chugging a healthy portion of it and letting out an echoing belch as if to herald the unveiling of his third painting.

“This is Tag Larkin’s masterpiece,” says Tag Larkin. “And it goes by the name of ‘Tag Larkin Titty-Fucks a Mermaid.'”

“Why titty-fuck a mermaid?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Because mermaids don’t have vaginas,” says Tag Larkin. “Look at that. It’s all fish. Tag Larkin can’t fuck that. Tag Larkin has tried.”

That explains why Tag Larkin’s not allowed back at the aquarium.

“I’m not sure I get your whole theme of you fucking mythical creatures,” Tina the Lesbian says. “What is it trying to say?”

“It’s saying that Tag Larkin the artist transcends societies quaint expectations on who Tag Larkin should and shouldn’t have sex with,” says Tag Larkin. “The mundane constraints of biology, reality and state animal cruelty laws will not bind the evolution of Tag Larkin’s spirit, or his crotch.”

I actually think it’s saying Tag Larkin’s been watching a lot of Xena: Warrior Princess at home, but I’m not going to tell him that. I’m not stupid and neither is his art teacher, who gave Tag Larkin an “A” for the class if he promised never to take another art course ever again.

Tag Larkin is a Man of Culture.





  1. So if Tag Larkin fucks a unicorn, there’s a chance that unicorn will give birth to like, a semi-centaur, but far more liminal, being not just half human half horse, but have Unicorn and half Tag.

  2. ‘Why titty-fuck a mermaid?” says Tina the Lesbian.’

    She just doesn’t think sometimes does she…

  3. Tina’s a traditionalist when it comes to mermaid sex… meaning her first thoughts go right to oral. Not her fault.

  4. “It’s like Guernica, except with more fucking”…. that’s pretty arty :-)

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