The Anonymous Know Only One Thing… It Is Better to Be Known

February 19, 2009

“Say Anonymous Doug,” I say as we sit at the bar with our pints of Best Winner Oscar Beer, the beer that after you taste it you believe that some other beer was more deserving of winning that title. “If you die, will anyone remember that you ever lived?”

“I suppose not,” says Anonymous Doug. “And that’s the hard cold fact of Anonymous life. Hell, if I die in my apartment, no one will know about it until I start to stink up the building.”

“What about a will?” I say. “Did you bother to write one considering there’s a chance no one will remember to read it?”

“Oh, I have one,” says Anonymous Doug. “I keep it in my wallet at all times. Folded up nice and tight, about the size of a credit card.”

“So you’re hoping you don’t die by being torched to a crisp,” I say. “Because then no one will know your last wishes. What are they anyway?”

“The most important one is that one person needs to be around my body at all times so that someone can remember I’m there,” says Doug.

“Does it matter who that person is?” I say. “Perhaps one of your illegitimate children?”

“I don’t think I have any,” says Anonymous Doug. “Despite my many years of plowing women, I don’t believe I’ve sired any offspring. Not that I would know anyway, because they would carry my Anonymous gene.”

“So even those with the Anonymous gene don’t know about the others like them?” I say. “If you were to run into someone else with that gene, you’d forget about them once they left your sight just like everyone else does with you?”

“And they’d forget about me too,” says Anonymous Doug. “Which works in my favor considering I don’t want people remembering the things I’ve done.”

“And the people you’ve done too,” I say.

“Yeah… there’s a few I wish I didn’t remember doing either,” Doug says wistfully. “But low self-esteem is such an aphrodesiac. And they let you do the craziest shit to them too.”

Even when you’re cursed, there always an upside.





  1. poor Anonymous Doug. He almost sounds lonely….

  2. Wouldn’t you be lonely if people completely forgot you existed as soon as you left the room?

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