Your Obligatory Black History Month Post for 2009

February 23, 2009

It’s the last week of Black History Month here in the States and we couldn’t let it go by without stopping in with Black History Expert and former Senator from Mississippi Trent Lott (or as he’s called down by the basketball courts Young Treezey).

“Let me tell you who Black History Month forgets about,” says Trent Lott as we drink some gin and juice on my porch. “Ain’t no one during Black History Month talkin’ about the brotha’s and sista’s with no soul.”

BB King first brought the issue of blacks with no soul to the public eye in the 80’s movie Amazon Women on the Moon, but to my knowledge no one has followed up on this (or the whereabouts of Don “No Soul” Simmons). But Trent Lott is on this shit like white on rice. In this case, however, he’s referring to the newly-elected black head of the Republican National Committee Michael Steele.

“Steele’s running the RNC and talkin’ about reaching out to the hip hop audience and shit to get people other than just cracker-ass white folk to vote Republican again,” Trent Lott says. “And I’m with my dawg right up until he says his shit’s going to be “off the hook.’ Man, you could hear my hand slap my forehead all the way out in Compton. Who the fuck says ‘off the hook’ anymore?”

“I know I don’t, if I ever did,” I say. And a quick search in the Renal Failure archives confirms that. I hadn’t even used it ironically either. “But you’re right, you can’t declare you’re doing a hip-hop makeover and then mangle their slang like that.”

Trent Lott raises his bottle in agreement. “Fuckin’ A right. My dawg got less than no soul. Motherfucka’s running a soul deficit. Motherfucka invented a story about himself getting Oreo cookies thrown at him, signifiyin’ and shit that he’s black on the outside but white inside. Homey made up a story about himself not having soul, and now he wants to get all hip-hop and crunk-ass and all that? Shiiiiiiiiit.”

“And he had bumper stickers and other stuff made to make him look like a Democrat instead of a Republican,” I say in reference to Steele’s 2006 Senate campaign (he lost by 10 points). “Bet that didn’t sit too well with you.”

“Punk-ass mark ain’t even got collateral to take out a soul loan from the soul bank,” ruefully says Trent Lott. “Man, Morris Day and the motherfuckin’ Time would piss on Michael Steele right in front of the soul ATM machine if he tried to use it.”

“So you’re saying Michael Steele has neither the soul or the street cred to pull off his public relations attempt to implement hip-hop into a political party that lost 96% of the black vote in the last Presidential election?” I say. “So who would have the necessary juice to run that shit?”

“Either me or my old G home slice Bob Dole,” says Trent Lott. “Shit, we called him Dolemite back in the day. He ran his shit tight, ya feel me? And he did it with one arm.”

“Then why did he get lose in a landslide to Bill Clinton in 1996?” I say.

“We don’t talk about that,” Trent Lott says, looking around to make sure Bill Clinton isn’t sneaking up on his ass, seeing how Clinton is the one man Trent Lott fears. “But anyone else in that election and Dolemite wins that shit.”

“At least he got to hock Viagra afterwards,” I say. “So why didn’t you run for head of the RNC?”

“Bitch, ’cause I’m where the money’s at,” says Trent Lott, referring to his lobbyist ventures. “I gotta makes some ends so I can meets my means. I don’t got time for election bullshit no mo’. But I never thought my old crew would be giving shit over to Mr. No Soul Brother.”

“I’m having a hard time figuring out exactly how Steele’s going to take conservatism and apply it to ‘urban-suburban hip hop settings,'” I say. I try to get the images of Mitch McConnell in a dashiki or Sarah Palin looking like a member of En Vogue to stay in my head, but they’re just too ridiculous to exist. “Hey, didn’t The Daily Show already parody this idea last month this with their Reagraham Lincool bit?”

“Whatever my dawg Mikey Steele does, it’s gonna look make the Super Bowl Shuffle look like the Wu-Tang Clan,” says an exasperated Trent Lott. “Man, this is some bullshit. Nobody does this shit to country western music.”

That’s what I want to see next year for Black History Month: black people ruining country music the same way white people ruin rap and hip-hop (and no that Burger King commercial with Hootie doesn’t count).

note: I think I might have broken my own record of reference links in a single post. I like to be thorough.





  1. Please tell me there won’t be a black history month again until after the white history month appears. please?

  2. My parents will help me ‘hook it up’ sweet! Cripes that has to be the least convincing advert for anything I’ve ever seen.

  3. Hahahaha! Lott-money knows what’s up.

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