I ain’t got time to bleed, Mr. Darcy

February 25, 2009

We heard from a friend that Elton John’s movie production company is making a movie called Pride and Predator, an adaption of the original Jane Austen novel (not the remake with the zombies) that will also feature the eponymous alien from the classic 80’s action movie Predator (one of the great action movies of all time).

“Maybe if the Predator showed up in more classic literature, I would have read more,” says Mikka.

I happen to share his sentiment. I remember being assigned books in high school and being bored to tears with them.

“Jane Eyre could have definitely benefited from a laser-shooting fish-faced alien who can blend in with his surroundings,” I say.

“Great Expectations would have lived up to its title if the Predator showed up and started ripping people’s skulls out,” says Mikka.

“A Separate Peace… of your spine in the Predator hands!” I say. “Or Predator Shrugged for all those asshole Objectivists out there who also dig an alien who sees in infrared.”

“Bram Stoker’s Dracula vs. Predator,” says Mikka. “It couldn’t be worse than the Alien vs. Predator movies.”

“Imagine if Judy Blume had the vision to put the Predator in her books,” I say. “‘Are You There God? It’s Me The Predator’ would be the best coming-of-age story ever.”

“Oprah should have a Predator Book of the Month club,” says Mikka. “If that James Frey guy had put the Predator in his fake autobiography, I’m pretty sure no one would have given him any shit about it.”

“Sadly, the Predator would be the least odd thing in Naked Lunch,” I say. “Or 120 Days of Sodom.”

“Yeah, that’s not really the Predator’s scene,” says Mikka. “He didn’t come to this planet for anal rape, he came to hunt humans for sport.”

And that’s when Mikka and I come up with the idea for Anal Predator, an alien who comes to earth to forcibly cornhole as many humans as he can as part of a giant intergalactic buttsex contest. Despite our passionate pitch to our local film board, and promises that the alien anal rape will be artfully portrayed, we fail to sway those stone-faced philistines to give us funding for the picture. All right, fair enough… but wait until they get a load of our idea for RoboCop Lolita.

mikka smallnote




  1. Let me get my cheque book, but I demand an executive producer credit.

  2. hey renal – we’re doing anal at the gimcrack today too :-)

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