Like is a Not Quite as Many-Splendored ThingFebruary 26, 2009
“You know something, Anonymous Doug,” I say as we get our last call drinks at the local pub. “You do pretty well for yourself with the ladies.”
“Well, it helps when you’ve got the freedom to do or say anything you want because they’ll forget you did those things as soon as you leave,” says Anonymous Doug.
“I think it’s gotta be more than that,” I say. “Your Anonymous gene can only take you so far.”
“Then my good man I must teach you a lesson from the Book of Doug,” says Anonymous Doug. “And that is the Holy Hook-Up Commandment: All You Need is Like.”
“All I need is like?” I say. “Explain.”
“This was passed to me by some guy I knew but then he went to jail for banging a 15-year old girl he met off the Internet and then we kinda lost touch,” says Doug. “But in his finite wisdom before he got America Online, he laid down this wisdom to me as we passed by two really unfortunate-looking people who were making out with each other in plain view. We’re talking Cronenberg fugly.”
“That’s pretty fugly,” I comment.
“Anyway, I say something like ‘How could they do be doing that?'” Doug continues. “And my friend just puts his hand on my shoulder and says ‘All you need is like.'”
“Like is all you need,” I say, finishing the lyric. “I get it.”
“Like lifts us up where we belong,” says Doug. “And that’s in someone’s pants.”
“Crazy little thing called Like,” I say. “People all over the world, join in! Start a Like Train!”
“The Greatest Like of All,” says Doug, whipping out an unexpected Whitney Houston reference (he might have watched American Psycho recently), “is easy to achieve. Especially if you’re not picky.”
“We did it all for the Glory of Like,” I say, breaking out a Peter Cetera reference in case Ninja Vicki is around.
“And you’ll be the hero that she’ll settle for,” says Anonymous Doug, finishing her beer. “And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to convince one or both of those tight-jean wearing 40-year old divorced mothers over by the jukebox to come on back to my Like Shack.”
And though I go home that night alone, I’m all right with it. Because Like is a Battlefield.