We need to surround this baby with sharp dismembering implements

March 3, 2009

So Samurai Cathy and Mikka have been dating for over a year. They’ve already talked about marriage (they can’t get married unless Mikka is skilled enough with a sword to avenge Cathy’s death should she be killed), and now the discussion has turned to the topic of children.

“We would need to build one of those Lone Wolf and Cub baby carts,” says Samurai Cathy. “Full of weapons and traps and all that good stuff.”

“Does IKEA sell those?” says Mikka.

“No, that’s why I said we have to build one ourselves,” says Cathy.

“I hope you know how to do that because I sure as hell don’t,” says Mikka. “I can barely boil water, let alone assemble a baby stroller of death from scratch.”

“Do we know someone who could make one?” says Samurai Cathy. “Who put Bernie the Half Cyborg Cat together? Let’s get them.”

“I don’t think we want to know who built him,” says Mikka. And he’s right. You don’t want to know that Portuguese Intelligence put Bernie together as part of a shadowy conspiracy that got so complicated that we didn’t know who we were screwing over so we just quit and had an ice cream cake party.

“Lesbians build things, right?” says Samurai Cathy. “Maybe Tina could do it.”

“I’m not sure that’s an accurate stereotype of lesbians,” says Mikka. “Maybe Avonia could conjure one up for us.”

“I don’t trust witchcraft to properly construct my child’s stroller,” says Samurai Cathy. “No one ever knows the full cost of having magic do something for them.”

“Tag Larkin, maybe,” says Mikka, then he quickly shakes his head. “No… he’d just build an exploding crib.”

At this point I get a phone call asking if I can build a Lone Wolf and Cub murder buggy for the baby they can’t have until Mikka learns how to be a deadly swordsman (he thinks his hours of playing Soul Calibur 4 count as training). This is not a task I want to do, but I’m the last person on their list of potential killer stroller-makers so they’re being insistent with me. I decide to change the subject.

“Mikka, you realize after you marry Cathy and impregnate her, she’s going to get a mom haircut,” I say, knowing Mikka is a man who likes girls with long hair due to his many years of watching anime. “That ponytail of hers? See ya!”

“Oh no!” says Mikka.

“But I use my ponytail to intimidate my opponent on the field of battle,” says Samurai Cathy. “It’s like a fiery spire above my head.”

“No time for intimidating long locks when there’s a baby to take care of,” I say.

“Maybe we need to rethink this whole baby thing,” says Mikka. “Sounds like too much trouble, what with building a death stroller and the whole mom-hair thing. What’s next? Mom jeans? This is too much too soon.”

Yeah, I may have just started a fight between those two lovebirds, but it got me out of building a damn baby stroller with covert spikes, hidden spears, and compartments for extra swords. How the hell was I going to build that? I can’t buy that shit at Home Depot.

cathy smallnote




  1. Is Mikka going to get a haircut like the kid has. Of course you can’t forget that you need to fit the stroller with skis as well. For the inevitable snow battle.

  2. you give up too easy RF :-)

  3. Dude, the baby cart is so much cooler than a stroller. But my favorite part of that entire series? Baby Cart in Peril, after the kid survives a field fire and holds up his stick to a wandering samurai Yagyu outlaw, who goes, “The [fucking blah blah blah] horse-slaying technique!” And freaks out about how he has to slay a child.

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