The Right Honorable Gentleman from the Pornservative Party Has the Floor… And No PantsMarch 4, 2009
A recent report came out saying the more conservative states here in America are also our biggest consumers of online pornography. So I hastily assembled a focus group at the local pub to discuss why this is the case.
“Have you ever been to Utah?” says Anonymous Doug. “There’s nothing to do there except jerk off and have multiple wives. Which is odd, because if I had multiple wives I don’t think I’d have time to jerk off as much.”
“The obvious answer is repression and unhealthy view of sex,” says Tina the Lesbian. “As for why Hawaii is 3rd on the list… I guess all those girls in grass skirts and coconut bikini tops get boring after a while.”
“Obviously the more liberal states have better Internet users,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “And as such they know how to find free porn.”
“Idaho and Montana are at the bottom of the list though,” says Ninja Vicki. “Apparently there’s not enough porn involving guns for their particular tastes.”
“Online porn makes it easier to avoid getting noticed by the more pious members of your community,” Avonia the Wiccan Pimp says. “There was a time when you actually had to leave your house to purchase porn, and anyone could see you doing it. That could cause some embarrassment to some people… especially those who aren’t Anonymous Doug.”
“Yeah, those were good days,” says Anonymous Doug. “Strutting into a video store and going through that set of western-style double-doors to the special room, and then strutting on over to the counter to rent a pile of porn tapes. It was a good time for strutting back then.”
“Maybe these red states didn’t have such easy access to porn shops,” says Ninja Vicki. “And now that they have access to the porn they always wanted, they’re going a wee bit overboard with it.”
“Sort of like the movie ‘Footloose’ where that town had the ban on dancing,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Once Kevin Bacon got that ban dropped, everyone just went crazy dancing. Now imagine that, except with porn.”
“Did they ever make a Footloose porno?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “I’d download that off Bit Torrent for free.”
At this point the topic veered off-course onto what movies from the 1980’s we would like to see remade into porn. Not surprisingly the one movie we all agreed on was GhostBusters. Anonymous Doug wants to call it CuntBusters, and the term “crossing the streams” would take on a way different meaning than in the original movie.