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Crimson Rising: Part Four

March 12, 2009

So after Crimson Paraplegic stops at my house to snag a bottle of Captain Morgan Parrot Bay rum from my collection, she returns to the house of Janis Cechmarek (aka Anxiety Girl) where Dragon Dyslexic is waiting with the keys to her DyslexJet to take everyone to an all-night pizza parlor. Her demands met, Anxiety Girl agrees to join our heroic duo, turning them into a heroic trio.

“All right, let’s go,” says Anxiety Girl, emerging from her room without her glasses (if it’s good enough for Superman to hide his identity, it’s good enough for her) in her full costume: a powder blue soccer goalie jersey, soccer shorts, socks going up over her shins, and high top sneakers.

“Go where? To the World Cup?” says Crimson Paraplegic. “I thought you were Anxiety Girl, not the goalie for Argentina.”

“I’m 17, I can’t afford a nice costume working part-time at frickin’ Dairy Queen,” says Anxiety Girl. “This is all I have.”

The trio takes a trip in the DyslexJet to grab some Chicago-style deep dish pizza and to discuss their plans for this supposed supervillain group while getting free refills of soda.

“So we just have to find this Captain Softball chick and she’ll lead us to the rest of her group,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “But where do find her?”

“Whatever this group is building, they need high-end microchips to make it work,” says Dragon Dyslexic. “Captain Softball recruited Doctor Platonic to steal them and he failed. Whoever she answers to will likely make her do the job herself this time.”

“But they won’t attack the same plant twice, right?” says Anxiety Girl, coyly nibbling on her pizza. “So what other place makes microchips?”

Taking the pizza with them our heroes fly out to the other chip manufacturing plant located in the tri-county area, arriving just in time to see Captain Softball smashing down the doors to the building with a sonic fastball. Strangely, in Captain Softball’s non-throwing right hand she seems to be carrying a large water pail. The DyslexJet lands and draws Captain Softball’s attention.

“Hold it there right, southpaw!” Dragon Dyslexic yells at the evil softball pitcher, then groans at her word order problems coming out an embarrassing time. Crimson Paraplegic strikes a heroic pose beside her new ally. Anxiety Girl sort of hides behind the both of them, trying not be seen.

“Just who I expected to see after Doctor Platonic’s failure,” says Captain Softball. “The word-mangler and the flying cripple. And I see you brought the back-up keeper for Manchester United as well.”

“Give it up, sister,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “You’re outnumbered three-on-one. So surrender without a fight and I won’t bother shattering your spinal column.”

“Actually, it’s three-on-two,” Captain Softball says, holding up her pail. “Allow me to introduce you to my colleague, Liquid Pamela.”

Out of the bucket jumps a clear watery mass that splashes down on the ground into a thick puddle, shifting upward like the T-1000 in Terminator 2 into the transparent form of a lanky 5′ 9″ woman with a bob haircut.

“Your partner in crime is a woman made out of Crystal Pepsi?” laughs Crimson Paraplegic. In reponse, Liquid Pamela momentarily morphs into a giant hand giving Crimson the middle finger before returning to her human form. “Oh, you’re gonna get it now, bucket bitch!”

Crimson Paraplegic flies at Liquid Pamela and punches her in the chest, causing Pamela to splatter like a popped water balloon. “Yeah! What now, Ms. Liquid-Got-Her-Ass-Kicked?”

Then she notices the dispersed droplets of Pamela crawling back together on the ground and reforming the liquid villain back to her full form unscathed. She gives a fake yawn and waves her hand to Crimson Paraplegic, telling her implicitly to “bring it.”

“Oh, dog balls…” Crimson Paraplegic says.

To be continued…

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One comment

  1. “bucket bitch”

    Is that something to do with a bucket list?



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