Crimson Rising: Part Five

March 13, 2009

And so our heroic trio of Crimson Paraplegic, Dragon Dyslexic, and Anxiety Girl have confronted the villainous Captain Softball and her new amorphous friend Liquid Pamela. And Crimson Paraplegic has just found out that punching Liquid Pamela doesn’t work because she just breaks apart and effortlessly puts herself back together, and that Pamela has no spine to break.

“All right you watery whore,” Crimson Paraplegic says to her liquid foe. “Is that all you can do?”

Liquid Pamela then forms her left hand into the business end of a sledge hammer and clocks Crimson Paraplegic in the face with it, sending the crippled one spinning and skittering backwards, and making Anxiety Girl squeak in fear.

“It’s all right, I’m nigh invulnerable,” Crimson Paraplegic says, rubbing her jaw and uncrossing her eyes. “And I’m right friggin’ pissed off too.”

“Crimson, you and Anxiety Girl keep those two busy,” Dragon Dyslexic says to her comrades. “I have to get something out of the back of the jet.”

“I don’t want to,” Anxiety Girl says, desperately grabbing Dragon Dyslexic’s arm. Her hands are shaking and she’s close to hyperventilating. “I want to go home. I want to go home now. I can’t deal with this.”

“Powers in your trust and you’ll be fine,” says Dragon Dyslexic, realizing she just screwed that sentence up. “I mean, trust in- look out!”

Just then one of Captain Softball magical pitches is sent flying at our two heroes, but Anxiety Girl’s force field blocks it in time.

“See, you’ll be all right,” Dragon Dyslexic says to her nervous teen comrade before leaving her to run back to the ship.

“Hey! Don’t be throwing energy-based softballs at her!” Crimson Paraplegic yells as she launches herself at Captain Softball, who then wings a fastball square into Crimson’s stomach and sends her flying all the way into the parking lot. This allows Liquid Pamela to menacingly approach Anxiety Girl with her hands now in the form of big neck-cleaving axes.

“Go away!” Anxiety Girl shrieks, sending out a invisible wave of force that scatters Liquid Pamela all over the place, and also knocks Captain Softball off her feet. But while Captain Softball struggles to get back up, Liquid Pamela easily pulls herself back together.

“I said leave me alone!” Another force wave from Anxiety Girl splatters Liquid Pamela again, unfortunately with the same results as before.

And that’s when Dragon Dyslexic comes running back from her jet with a ShamWow in hand and throws it at Pamela, completely absorbing the watery villain inside the product sold on television by a fast-talking asshole with a headset.

“Oh snap, Pammie!” says Crimson Paraplegic, flying back to the scene of fight. “You got soaked the fuck up!”

Then Crimson Paraplegic grabs a stunned Captain Softball, flies twenty feet up into the air, and drops her to the hard pavement. Then she does it again, and again, delighting each time in the crunch of the Captain’s ankle bones.

“All right, that’s enough,” Dragon Dyslexic says, prompting Crimson Paraplegic to stop. Dragon grabs Captain Softball by her ponytail. “Who do you work for? Tell me!”

“Like that’s going to happen,” says Captain Softball, wincing from her broken ankles. “My employers will do things far worse to me than you could ever do if I say anything to you.”

“Crimson, see how she likes the view from forty feet in the air,” Dragon Dyslexic says. “And this time, head her drop-first.”

But just as Crimson Paraplegic is about to grab Captain Softball, a wild ululating cry comes from behind our heroes, heralding the arrival of a olive-skinned woman in a patterned head scarf and khaki shorts and boots with a set of explosives strapped over her fiery red tanktop. In her left hand, she wields a detonator.

“Face the glorious martyrdom of Palestinian Pheonix!” screams the newcomer as she sprints at our puzzled heroes.

To be continued…

crimson smallnote




  1. Seriously, the Shamwow thwarts all enemies.

  2. “My employers will do things far worse to me than you could ever do if I say anything to you.”

    Is it the fox network… it’s the fox network isn’t it… I knew it.

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