Sad Money

March 16, 2009

So last Thursday I watched The Daily Show and sat with amazement on how much Jon Stewart owned CNBC’s Jim Cramer regarding the business network’s utter uselessness and possible complicity in our current economic fuckdom (go find it yourself, it ain’t hard to find). And Cramer, to his credit, seemed to be contrite about it. But that was Thursday, would that carry over to this week?

So I turned on CNBC in time for Jim Cramer’s Mad Money show, where Cramer usually yells at people to give him money while playing funny sound effects and throwing things at the camera. And there was a very subdued Cramer, sitting behind his desk of fury with his head in hands.

“What the fuck have I done with my life?” says Cramer to start the show. “Do I even have a soul or did I short sell that too?”

Cramer stands up and starts circling his desk. “How do you handle discovering you devoted your whole life to an empty pursuit that destroyed more people than it helped? What kind of person defines himself solely by the number at the bottom of an account statement?”

He then openly weeps for the next couple minutes before they cut to commercial. When the show comes back, Cramer is sitting at his desk of fury again, not even looking at the camera.

“How do I look my children in the eye and tell them that daddy is a monster?” says Cramer. “There’s people out there who lost everything, who are eating cat food for dinner because what we did. And we did it with careless glee. You can’t face your loved ones when they know you did that. I can’t go home.”

That’s when he reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a bottle of pills, and swallows the whole lot. The next few minutes are Cramer being very sleepy at his desk, and then finally passing out just before the show goes to commercial.

When the show returns, Cramer is having his stomach pumped by fellow CNBC asshole Rick Santelli (who called people who are having their homes foreclosed on because of the subprime/stock market/housing market fuck up “losers”). Once Cramer finally throws up the pills, Santelli turns his furious gaze toward the camera.

“Look what you did, you losers!” he yells. “He was the perfect Business Channel pundit. Soulless, without self-awareness, driven solely by the accumulation of money. And you losers tried to ruin it with your stupid ‘dignity’ and your useless ’empathy.’ Those have no place on the market! You bunch of failures will never know a fraction of what he knows about how to be successful. Who cares if hundreds of thousands of you become destitute and financially ruined because of our bold actions and complicit ignorance? You are drones to the real geniuses of the world like me and Jim and the rest of us working the market like a ship’s concubine! Damn you all for what you’ve done here!”

So I guess when Cramer returns to his show after some convalesence, he’ll either be back to his financially sociopathic old self or he’ll end the show with a gun in his mouth.





  1. That was a fantastic job by Jon Stewart.

    As for Cramer – I vote for the gun sandwich.

  2. (sigh) life continues to be better in Renal Failure’s neighborhood. ain’t never gonna happen in the real world…

  3. Fantastic spoof of what Kramer didn’t do after his interview on the Daily Show (I watched the whole uncensored version on the web site). But I can’t help wonder why anyone ever took CNBC or other financial news sources seriously? They never get tomorrow’s market action right, never uncover a scandal or ripoff, and probably need a thorough thrashing from Ninja Vicki, if she’s available.

  4. I second sending in ninja vicki

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