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Does your iPhone have a Breathalyzer app?

March 17, 2009

We all know that St. Patrick’s Day is a time for heavy drinking and… uh, heavier drinking.  Now all the beer and liquor commercials will tell you not to drink and drive, but there’s something just as important that they’re not telling you to do.

Don’t Drink and Use Your Cell Phone.

Yeah, you drank your body weight in Guinness this day, but it hasn’t changed the fact that you’re still cold and alone in a world that rejects you, and you know this.  Next thing you know, your cell phone’s out and you’re volleying text messages to your ex.  Or you’re calling up that asshole who you swore never to deal with again but whose number you just didn’t get around to deleting from your phone.  Or now you finally have enough liquid courage in you to call up that friend of the opposite sex and declare the secret love for them you’ve been harboring all these years and that you don’t care that they’re married to your other friend and have two kids.  At no point do any of these scenarios end well.

But bartenders will only take your keys from you if you’re drunk, not your cell phone.

Another fact: being drunk at home increases your risk of drunk dialing or messaging.  This is because you have another implement for your own personal self-destruction: your computer.   Email, blogs, Twitter, message boards… it’s like leaving a baby in a room full of plastic dry cleaner bags and easily swallowable toys, except the baby is your dignity.

This is not to say you should not get drunk.  Have you seen the state of the world?  By all means, get drunk whenever you can.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t take precautions, sort of like you do with sex.  And these drunk precautions are easier than remembering to taking a pill every day, or putting on a condom, or fucking while wearing a shoulder holster.

Perhaps you have a friend who can keep you from such embarrassment, but then again if you’re drinking this hard it’s probably because you have no friends.  So you’ll have to do it yourself.  If you can, remove the battery on your instrument of communication.  If you can’t, write yourself a note warning you not to drunk dial or text anyone.  Sign the note “The President of Space.”  That will give it authority.  Or sign it “Tag Larkin.”  He doesn’t mind if you forge his signature; he’s probably forged yours at some point.

Idle drunk hands are the devil’s playground, because the devil likes to watch you humiliate yourself.  That gets him hard, but he can’t get off unless you cry.  And you really shouldn’t be getting the devil off on a day devoted to a Catholic saint.

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3 comments

  1. ‘But bartenders will only take your keys from you if you’re drunk, not your cell phone.’

    I will take your phone if you’re drunk, or past out… or leave it lying around in the open


  2. if I had your number I wouldn’t have to be drunk to start dialling it


  3. Let your fingers do the walking, my good nurse…



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