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The Crying Game Had Less Crying… But More Penis

March 30, 2009

It’s been a while since I tuned into The Screaming Head on the Radio. But I forgot to charge my iPod before I left the house and it cut out on me right in the middle of Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer (now I’ll never know what happened to Tommy and Gina!).

The Screaming Head on the Radio still screams on the radio, more so now about how we’re all going to die now because of Barack Obama. Then the next hour (direct from his War Room/Doom Bunker/Fear Chamber) is taken up talking about how in four years America will be reduced to a socialist Road Warrior/Kevin Costner sci-fi vanity project future where Vice President Joe Biden is a 20-foot tall mutant who survives by ripping babies out of pregnant mothers to devour their stem cells and Obama rides around in a gay terrorist chariot like Lord Humungus to plunder the only currency left in America worth anything: hot skinny blonde white women.

Or maybe the Screaming Head just cribs stuff off an episode of the X-Files or Airwolf or Are You Being Served? that he just happened to catch one night. This is the sort of thing I’ve come to expect out of the Screaming Head.

But what I didn’t expect is that now he cries like every three minutes about something. Sometimes he says it’s because he loves America and is afraid of the nightmare scenarios that he just spent the last hour coming up with, sometimes it’s because someone ended a sentence with a preposition, most of the time… I just don’t know.

“This portion of the program is sponsored by Dunkin’ Donuts,” says the Screaming Head before breaking down into tears yet again. “God, their Munchkins are just so good. Glazed… powdered… even the cinnamon ones… eat them before you get sent to the camps…”

Did the radio station change its call letters to WEEP? All bawling, all the time? How are you supposed to rally people to whatever your cause happens to be that week if you cry more than the Leave Britney Alone guy? There’s no crying in knee-jerk populist media fear-mongering!

I would suggest someone to get him some happy pills, but the Screaming Head already kicked a drug problem in the past and now won’t touch anything stronger than a multi-vitamin. So it looks like we’re in for another three to seven years of hysterical crying on the air, and if that really is the case then I’m going to hope for a cataclysmic society-destroying event. Like Al Gore crashing the moon into the Earth with his solar-powered tractor beam of doom.

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One comment

  1. ‘the only currency left in America worth anything: hot skinny blonde white women.’

    Ok thats not a nightmare, I dream about that day, and wish with all my heart that its on the near horizon.



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