I made you a cookie… but Merrill Lynch eated it

March 31, 2009

You might be like me and have no faith in… well, anything regarding the financial industry. But you need to do something with your money other than hide it under your mattress. Because what if you want to sleep on that mattress or have sex on it. It’s all lumpy from the stacks of money under it. That’s not going to work.

But Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat has the answer: invest with cat brokers. Cats didn’t cause this financial mess, humans did. So why not give another species a shot at our markets?

There is a drawback to that plan, however… all cat brokers are LOLcats. This is because the only school that will give a cat the proper degree in financial planning is ICanHasMBA Online College.  And this makes for a rather awkward phone conversation when Bernie calls his broker, Patches.

“Oh hai,” says Patches. “Your monies, I has them.”

“I see my investments have gone down quite a lot lately,” says Bernie.

“Your money has a sad,” says Patches.

“So do we have to adjust my portfolio or what?” says Bernie.  “Should we pull out of tuna futures?”

“The bear market, we rides it out,” says Patches. “Then you can has cheezburger. Hugs times now? Kthxbai!”

At least if Patches’s advice doesn’t pan out, he’ll meow and nuzzle your leg and you can scratch him under his chin until you feel better about losing thirty percent of your portfolio’s worth. I don’t see Ben Stein doing that. Or Jim Cramer. Larry Kudlow might have done that in the past, but he was wigged out on cocaine and did a lot of crazy shit back then.





  1. Ffs. THe answer is to securitize commercial sex.

  2. Invest in blowjob futures. Don’t trust subprime hummers.

  3. i can haz bankrupcie! slit thoat now! kthxbai!

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