Getting Gay in Iowa

April 6, 2009

So gay marriage is legal in Iowa now. I go over to Tina the Lesbian’s to get her take on the matter, expecting her to be rather joyous. Instead, I find her to be in a peevish mood.

“Is this because you don’t like the prospect of having to move to Nowhere, Iowa just to get married?” I ask.

“No… I’ve still got Massachusetts,” Tina the Lesbian says.

“Then what is it?” I say.

“There’s a quote from one of the Iowans in the news story about it,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Richard Socarides, a former adviser to President Clinton. He’s quoted as saying on the court ruling legalizing gay marriage: ‘I think it’s significant because Iowa is considered a Midwest state in the mainstream of American thought. Unlike states on the coasts, there’s nothing more American than Iowa. As they say during the presidential caucuses, ‘As Iowa goes, so goes the nation.’”

“So this midwestern jack-off is ruining your happy buzz about the legalization of gay marriage with bullshit about how the states on the coasts aren’t really American,” I say.

“Why is Iowa more American than California or Oregon or Washington?” says Tina the Lesbian. “For shit’s sake, the East Coast states were the original 13 states in this country. They beat the fucking British. ”

“If there’s nothing more American than Iowa, wouldn’t the terrorists have attacked Iowa instead of New York and Washington DC?” I say.  “Why does living in Iowa make someone more American than living in Delaware?”

“It’s not a fucking contest,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Idiots like this are why nothing gets done in this country. This over-romanticism of certain regions of the country creates a false dichotomy, splitting people up into Real Americans and, by default, Lower Lesser Americans. And that’s something my side of the gay marriage debate is trying to get rid of, this separating of people into two groups where one is supposedly inherently superior and the other isn’t.”

“Does this mean I have to stop making fun of the South?” I say.

“You secede from the union, you pay the price,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But it just pisses me off that I can’t enjoy this victory for gay rights because some jack-off in Iowa decided to miss the fucking point.”

“Have Sean and Lucia Wheatley been by to voice their abject fear of these recent gay marriage events?” I say.

“Give ’em an hour,” says Tina. “They’re probably eating dinner. Getting one last meal in before the impending Gay Doom swallows them whole.”

There’s too many people in this country who have Impending Gay Doom on their Top Five Fears list. Really, it shouldn’t even be in the Top Ten.  Not with Tag Larkin and Ninja Vicki running around.





  1. I wondered what had happened to Richard Socarides!

    Considering his dad was a crusader for the psychiatric reprogramming of gay people to be straight, I give him points just for being poised, Had the good fortune to meet him once at a GLAAD awards dinner, right before I wiped the cream off Neil Gaiman’s jeans.

    No, really. It’s my only good name drop so I have to use it.

  2. I believe there’s many a creepy fantasy story on the internet involving wiping cream off Neil Gaiman’s jeans. But I have not the courage to look for them.

    Your story, sled, however, is much more interesting.

  3. I’ll have to find a way to tell the whole story on my page sometime… newspaper columns, comics shop owners, and trailer park lesbians were all involved…

  4. ‘splitting people up into Real Americans and, by default, Lower Lesser Americans.’

    I’d make a Canadian joke right about now… but my heart just wouldn’t be in it.

  5. yeah, but what else do Iowans have to cling to? being the corn capitol of the US? kansas and nebraska kick their stalky ass there… is there any harm in letting them believe they’re number one at something? otherwise? they might try to become the gangsta rap capital. and that would suck mightily…

  6. I have to disagree with you. I think that living anywhere in the U.S., even, say Puerto Rico, is more American than living in Delaware. Talk about a state that should be annexed from the U.S. First State, my ass. You ever see the way those people drive? (Oh, sorry if you’re from Delaware, which I don’t think you are.) They’re worse than the stereotypical drivers from Jersey.

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