Rising from the dead on Sunday just to go back to work on Monday

April 13, 2009

“I have a question,” I say to Black Jesus as he smokes an Easter cigarette outside of the gay bar he works at. “How come you waited three days to resurrect?”

“Because I got my ass whooped,” says Black Jesus. “Wouldn’t you want to wait a few days for shit to blow over before you returned to the world?”

“So you wanted the bloodlust to die down before returning to life,” I say.

“Exactly,” says Black Jesus. “I didn’t want to be walking around and have someone point at me and yell ‘Hey, that’s the guy we crucified the shit out of yesterday, and he’s fine! Get him!'” They’d have beaten me ten times as worse. But you catch them on the tail end of the weekend and they’re not much in the mood to kick your ass again.”

“And then you wandered around for like a month and a half before ascending to heaven,” I say. “Why not stay a little longer since you went through the trouble of coming back?”

“Well, it didn’t quite get the reaction I was looking for,” says Black Jesus. “I mean, my crew was glad to see me and all, but the novelty wore off real fast and things went back to how they were before, which would eventually lead to me getting my ass beat and crucified again. So I said fuck it, I’m out of here.”

“Don’t want to stay too long at a party I guess,” I say.

“Plus some of the apostles were thinking of taking back some of the condolence gifts they gave my mom,” says Black Jesus.

“You really hung out with some dickheads, man,” I say. “Peter denies you, Judas betrays you, Thomas doubts you.”

“The pickings were slim back then,” says Black Jesus. “You try to find 12 people to follow you around all the time who you want to entrust to carry out your holy mission of love and salvation.”

Black Jesus has a point. I can barely find six people to go the movies with, let alone task to save the souls of mankind.





  1. Damn good thang I ain’t the raving honkey Jeezus. I’d be hard fucking pressed to come up with twelve friends, and I ain’t giving up da fuckin’ 12 rocks I have either!

  2. I don’t know about a holy mission of love an salvation, but I bet I can find a dozen people who are desperately seeking acceptance from a hip black guy.

  3. All white people desperately seek acceptance from a hip black guy. It’s like a requirement to earn your merit badge in Advanced Caucasianess.

  4. 12 people who follow me around and do what i say? she-iiiit. i can make that happen just by flashin’ my titties on the interweb…

  5. Too bad Jesus wasn’t known for his impressive rack.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: