Good to the Last Fearful Debilitating Drop

April 14, 2009

I invited Tina the Lesbian to my living quarters to help me with project I came up with. She agreed only after I assured her it had nothing to do with boobs, gentials, or Kylie Minogue clones.

“So what’s this about?” Tina the Lesbian asks me.

“I will answer your question with a question,” I say. “You’re on anti-depressants, am I right?”

“Yes I am,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“So you are familiar with the concept of panic attacks, correct?” I say.

“Yes, very familiar,” says Tina the Lesbian. “That’s why I take the antidepressants, so I don’t get them anymore at four in the morning when I’m trying to sleep.”

“Now think back to those days of 4AM panic attacks for a moment,” I say. “There you are, wide awake and alert. The peak of mental and physical awareness. Wouldn’t you have preferred that the panic attack happened at a more convenient hour? Say after you were already awake?”

“I would prefer that I didn’t have panic attacks at all,” says Tina the Lesbian. “That’s why I’m on the pills.”

“Now what also gets you wide awake and alert in the morning?” I ask.

“Stubbing my toe on a piece of furniture?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“The answer I was looking for was coffee,” I say. “But caffiene cannot compete with the brain chemical collison that a panic attack causes, right?”

“No, I’ve never had a cup of coffee that triggered a panic attack,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“But what if you could?” I say. “What if you could harness the powers of a panic attack in a mug of morning coffee? What would you say to that?”

“I’d say there was no way I’d buy that coffee,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“So you’d rather bumble through your mornings half-awake and drowsy and limping than be at your peak when you need it the most?” I say.

“I don’t want to start my day with crippling existential fear,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I don’t care how alert it makes me.”

“But if you start your day with that sort of fear, wouldn’t it mean that the rest of your day could only get better?” I ask.

“My day could also only get better if I started it by hammering rusty nails into my breasts, but that doesn’t mean I have any inclination to do that,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“But panic attack coffee doesn’t leave any marks or make you susceptible to tetanus,” I say. “And your panic attack could come in rich flavors like French Vanilla or Columbian or Hazelnut.”

“How would you even grow coffee beans that could cause panic attacks in people?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“I’d like to synthesize the nerves in your brain that go off when a panic attack strikes and have them mate with some coffee beans,” I say. “But until my lab equipment to do such a thing is invented, I have Tag Larkin yelling at some coffee bean plants in my backyard.”

Because Tag Larkin knows no fear, but fear knows Tag Larkin.

“So as someone familiar with panic attacks, would you like to invest in my new venture?” I ask Tina the Lesbian.

She respectfully declines by walking out of my house. Perhaps my time could be better put to use with developing an Earl Grey tea that causes auditorial hallucinations of the Queen. How bad can your life be when you’re having morning tea with British royalty? (Caution: may cause you to car bomb your kitchen if you’re Irish)





  1. Middle of the night alertness is different form mind-fuck exisential terror, as Tina points out. I think they put chemicals that create the latter in New York’s water supply.

  2. Wouldn’t it be simpler to abuse methamphetamines?

  3. I drank some wormwood tea once and that did it as well as anything I ever want to experience again. In the interests of science, quite seriously.

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