My black trenchcoat still makes people nervous

April 20, 2009

So it’s been 10 years since the shootings at Columbine High School, which is just another reminder for me on how old I am. And it gets me thinking about high school again, which isn’t good because I hated high school. But at least I wasn’t alone in my loathing of those formative years, as seen in the gathering of friends here tonight at the local pub.

“Do you think you could have shot up your high school like that, for whatever reason?” I ask. My low opinion of humanity posits that there’s little that separates the monsters from the non-monsters of society.

“I don’t think I could have, seeing how I wasn’t in high school that long,” says Mikka. “Then again, high school was bullshit anyway and you don’t shoot bullshit. Otherwise it’s not bullshit, it’s something that actually matters.”

“I don’t know if I could shoot people,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But if I had those telekinetic powers like Carrie did, I think there were times when I would have burned the whole fucking place down with everyone inside. Plug this up, fuckers!”

“Well, I would have killed more people in my high school if somebody didn’t keep stopping me,” says Ninja Vicki, staring right at Samurai Cathy. “And seeing how some of the people in our class ended up, I would have been doing them a favor.”

“And you could have killed all the members of our class you wanted if only you could kill me,” says Samurai Cathy. “Too bad you lacked that skill, and the reasoning to know that high school eventually ends and is unimportant in the large scheme of things. Then again, when do teenagers use reasoning?”

“I was too stoned in high school to consider going on a shooting spree,” says Anonymous Doug. “Then again we had weed strong enough to drop a minotaur back then. That’s how I got out of the labyrinth that one time. You can’t take down a beast like that with the dirt kids smoke these days. I also remember the acid was pretty awesome too.”

“I would never use a weapon on anyone,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “But there were a lot of times I wished witchcraft didn’t have that threefold rule where everything you do comes back to you three times as hard. Because what’s the point in knowing a spell that would have made all of Tricia Helium’s hair fall out if it’s going to bounce back and hit you at triple the power?  What’s her penalty for telling the entire sophomore class that I sacrificed cats in satanic rituals out in the woods?”

“From everything you people have said about this high school thing, I think I should shoot high schoolers just on general principle,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, who didn’t go to high school because cats don’t have to go to high school. “All teenagers are sociopaths to some degree. The Columbine shooters just happened to pin the needle on the nutter scale.”

“I wonder what Tag Larkin’s high school days were like,” I say.

Some say Tag Larkin was enrolled at an all-girls boarding school because of a clerical error and a nearsighted headmistress. Others say he went to a high school for wolves, and his mom used to dress him in meat. Then there are those who say Tag Larkin was home-schooled in an empty house. In any case, Tag Larkin didn’t graduate from high school, high school graduated from Tag Larkin.

mikka smallnote




  1. I’m pretty sure Mikka’s logic on bullshit and high school is the single greatest thing I’ve ever read, because I’ve always felt that way, and could never express it so well.

  2. ‘Tag Larkin didn’t graduate from high school, high school graduated from Tag Larkin.’

    And I think we all agree highschool is much better for it.

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