Mother Earth Knows You’re Faking It

April 22, 2009

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp has mixed feelings about Earth Day. One hand she’s happy about environmental concerns getting their due at least for one day. But on the other…

“I hate Earth Day posers,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “Oh yeah, you really care about helping the Earth do ya? Then how come I don’t see you doing jack shit about it the other 364 days in the year?”

“It’s like Earth Day is the Yom Kippur of the environmental cause,” I say. “You don’t eat on Yom Kippur, all your sins are forgiven. You do Earth Day and you’re good for the year when it comes to caring about the environment.”

“I don’t see those posers on Arbor Day planting trees,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “But I’m out there.”

“Do you make your whores do work on Earth Day or Arbor Day?” I say. “Because I think if a bunch of hookers were going around planting trees a lot more people would volunteer their time.”

“I thought about it, but I’m unable to divine whether the Goddess would look favorably on that,” says Avonia. “I meditate, I beseech the spirits of the Earth for guidance, and all I get back is the spiritual equivalent of ‘Reply Hazy, Try Again Later.'”

“You won’t catch me faking the funk on the volunteer tip,” I say. “I don’t volunteer for shit. I keeps it real.”

“I admire your non-charitable consistency more than I do the faux-concern of these Earth Day posers,” says Avonia. “I wonder how many of them are those part-time Catholics. You know, the ones who only go to church on Easter and Christmas.”

“Are there any part-time Wiccans?” I ask. “Like they only show up for Beltane and Samhain?”

“Not really,” says Avonia. “Usually when people in the coven stop coming it’s because they’re pissed off at other members for something. Those people are just considered ‘in between covens’ when they miss a sabbat. Except if they’re an Earth Day poser, then they’re part-time Wiccans to me because that just pisses me right off.”

So Avonia’s limits are Earth Day posers and whores who don’t have her money. Good to know.

avonia smallnote




  1. my son was yelled at by an assmonkey in a giant SUV because one of his friends threw an empty can out of the back seat of his car. The Boy demonstrated some restraint by not kicking eco-poser’s ass… but he did block the intersection long enough to let the guy know that he was an earth-day poser/hypocrite.

  2. But posing is fun… and really fashionable.

  3. “in between covens” haha… love it…

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