A Heart, a Cross, and a lot of denial and suppression

April 23, 2009

Anonymous Doug has found a new obsession now that women’s college basketball season has ended and Tennessee coach Pat Summit is no longer on television: Former Ronald Reagan speechwriter and current Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan.

“Why her?” I ask disdainfully. I think Doug’s lost his damn mind on this one. Any article she writes about her former boss Reagan are obviously typed one-handed while the free hand mans a Gipper-shaped dildo powered by a 9-volt battery . She wrote a column saying Jesus made like AquaMan and ordered the dolphins to help bring Elian Gonzalez to America, and in that same article speculated that the reason he was sent back to Cuba was that Fidel Castro was secretly blackmailing President Clinton with knowledge about Monica Lewinsky. I remember this article for it’s lunacy and for her defense of such lunacy: “Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.”

So why is Anonymous Doug smitten with a woman known on liberal blogs as the Crazy Jesus Dolphin Lady? Doug answers by presenting me with her comments on This Week with George Stephanopolous about the US torture memos being released to the public

“Oh I have reservations about all this. It’s hard for me to look at a great nation issuing these documents and sending them out to the world and thinking oh much good will come of that. Sometimes in life you wanna’ just keep walkin’. History has changed. It does change. We have a new administration, a new way. Sometimes I think just keep walkin’. Don’t always be issuing papers and reports.”

“Dude, you can do anything to this broad,” says Anonymous Doug. “You could clock her in the face with a waffle iron, throw her down a flight of stairs, give her a donkey punch/dirty sanchez/cleveland steamer combo and she’ll find some way to push it out of her pretty little mind and pretend it never happened.”

“But everyone forgets about the things you do anyway,” I say.

“Yeah, but she’ll forget about it while I’m still in the room staring her in the face,” says Anonymous Doug. “That sort of delusional denial is crazy hot. Emphasis on crazy.”

“This is quite a turnaround from your infatuation with Pat Summit,” I say. “You were into her because she was a take-no-crap-from-anyone, ovaries-to-the-wall kind of woman who demanded respect.”

“Yeah, well sometimes you’re in the mood for a fine wine,” says Anonymous Doug, “and other times you’re in the mood for something brewed out of a hillbilly’s bathtub and served to you in a jug by a woman who can’t look you in the eye and blames herself for when her husband beats her with a car antennae.”

“Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t,” I say, quoting the famous Almond Joy and Mounds commercial. “And sometimes you feel like violating every aspect of that nut’s dignity and humanity for your own personal enjoyment.”

“Especially if the nut will gladly let you do it,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I got a chubb on just thinking about it.”

Just keep on walking.





  1. is 9 volts enough?

  2. And sometimes you’re in the mood to just get drunk as quickly as possible.

  3. Nurse: Maybe it’s enough, maybe not. But if the battery dies while using it, you can just swap out the battery in your smoke detector to get enough time to finish.

    Rassles: I think some bathtub moonshine will get you drunk rather quickly. And might also make you go blind too, but that’s the chance you take.

  4. that’s not gonna work for me. the smoke detector takes double A :-(

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