Look away! Look away! Dear God look away, it’s awful!

April 27, 2009

So I read up that the governor of Texas Rick Perry has thrown out the idea that Texas could secede from the Union if they felt so inclined. Then I read something about the state Senate in Georgia making noise about secession and state’s rights too.

Then I look at the calendar and it all makes sense: it’s Confederate Heritage Month. It’s the glorious time of year where certain segments of the American population, mostly in our southern states, show their pride in the United States by celebrating that four year stretch in the 19th century where their ancestors didn’t want to be part of the United States anymore and then lost a war over it.

It gets me to thinking… about burning Atlanta. And after I get my feeling of southern arson out of the way, I get to thinking again… do I hold any ridiculous contradictory idea or belief that I will defend with the delusional romantic strength of a retarded bear? Admittedly I’ve got some strange quirks, like how I won’t wear brown or khaki because I find them to be weak indecisive colors, but that doesn’t come close to approaching the retarded bear level of being an American and celebrating trying to leave America. That’s like celebrating your marriage with divorce papers.

And if you celebrate Confederate Heritage Month and say the Pledge of Allegiance, you’ve graduated past retarded bear country gone straight to the bear dementia ward. Does your secession-loving ass skip the part of about “One nation, indivisible?” Or have we relegated the Pledge to the same attic where Prohibition and Crystal Pepsi are currently located?

(Note: the “Under God” part of the Pledge was added in between the One Nation and Indivisible parts in the 1950’s as an anti-communist statement. It’s the equivalent of George Lucas adding the scene in the Special Edition of Star Wars where Greedo shoots first instead of Han Solo, which is to say it’s needless bullshit. Han shot first, always has, always will).

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a March to the Sea to plan.





  1. Crystal Pepsi? sounds like an addictive new drug

  2. on vacation in the panhandle of florida several years back, we wandered an old cemetery. i was quite surprised to find freshly planted confederate flags on the graves of veterans of “the war between the states”. massive retarded bear action…

  3. I suffer the indignity of being related to people from south Georgia. I once saw a first cousin of mine, a hundred years after the fact, actually tear and choke up while talking about the burning of Atlanta and how the South was laid waste. They must suck it in with their mother’s milk or something.

    Later he threw up violently at the top of the Washington Monument, but I don’t think there wasa political message on that occasion.

  4. As a proud southern man I think I should set the record straight. We love Crystal Pepsi down here. It’s probably you damn Yankees that pulled it off our shelves. Well, that tears it! Come on Elma Sue and Waylon Jr, we’re seceding again!

    • Hey, we let you keep Mello Yello. But a soda that tastes like Pepsi but looks like Sprite? That’s just not cricket.

  5. ‘Note: the “Under God” part of the Pledge was added in between the One Nation and Indivisible parts in the 1950’s as an anti-communist statement.’

    As if gods not a communist…

  6. I’ve never quite understood why the burning of Atlanta continues to have such cache with southern types. I’ve lived in Atlanta for a number of years now and I’ve noticed two things.

    First, it’s a bastion of blue in a sea of red.

    Second, Atlanta is about as southern as Fon du Lac, Wisconsin. Virtually no one living in Atlanta was born here, or even born in the southeast. I know more people currently living here that were born in each of New York, Chicago, London and Milwaukee than I know that were born at Piedmont or Grady hospitals.

    It does make politics a bit frustrating, I confess.

  7. Yeah, the Brits burned DC, but I think the metropolitan region, as a whole, got over it. Maybe it’ll just take one more generation.

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