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A Roasted Toasted 1200th Post

May 1, 2009

For the 1200th post here at Renal Failure, we present the other end of the HumorBloggers.com Roast spectacular. First we roasted Spaz, now it’s time for us to get roasted, and Manitoba’s own Venom from Venom, Secrets & Lies is the one doing the burning to complete this Canadian Circle of Roasting.

So without further delay, here’s Venom…

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You see there, hovering just below the silver platter, right below the bird’s wing? Looks like that wet, creepy kid from The Ring. I think it might be one of RF’s freaky little friends – he’d certainly fit right in with the rest of his splintered personality.

RF has more characters living in his head than a homeless shelter. Oh yeah, he has so many illusory friends that his head should have it’s own zip code. It’s such a large population that they could start their own colony & break away from the union.

RF absolutely had to have been an only child, there’s no other explanation for such a vivid imagination, except maybe psychosis.

In a conversation with Anonymous Doug, RF said: “Well you can’t drill my mom because I was born in a lab in a twisted expression of mad science gone even madder,” I say. “I don’t have one.”

Okaaay, so there’s the answer to that question.

Hmmm, psychosis might also explain why he has such a close relationship with various political figures – consorting with those types is probably not making things any better. Politicians all suck from the Devil’s teat, you know; I’m pretty sure Devil milk would only add to RF’s delusions.

On the other hand though, RF does a public service by identifying Political Pundits Who Look Like Child Molesters; just weeding through that list of ginormous knobs would be enough to make anybody crazy. On Sundays RF presents his readers with a regular feature he calls ‘Precious Encouragements’; he hopes that revealing his tender & scholarly bits might be enough to balance out the fraternization with politicians, but I wouldn’t count on it.

As a solid master of the art of haiku, you know that RF must’ve taken a lot of ass-kickings from the industrial arts boys in high school. I suspect that is what motivated his deep interest in the martial arts and Japanese weaponry. Yeah, that and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – I hear tell he has every episode on VHS and watches them Saturday mornings in his shadowy basement sitting in between his ‘friends’ Ninja Vicki & Samurai Cathy.

RF is a really snazzy dresser too; kids nowadays love to go to the vintage shops; they used to be called thrift stores, but the name change enables cold-hearted profiteers to charge outrageous prices for crap our generation has been using to dry our cars. (*Stupid kids, I’ve got a mint condition, orange checkered polyester hotpants suit circa 1974 that I’ll let go for a mere $130.

RF is still proudly wearing the same t-shirts he wore in the ‘80s; he has a black Thundercats number that would be the envy of any soother-sucking teenager around. No doubt he also has an enviable assortment of concert t-shits right in his top drawer, indicating regular wear. I’ve heard rumours that this guy also has his high school band uniform up mounted on his rec room wall in a shadow box frame.

Some guys have foot fetishes, RF showers in his socks so he never has to see his own feet. He suffers from a crippling social malady called ‘shoeism’; just the sight of nasty toes is enough to trigger a serious gag reflex. He really does appreciate the female form though, so much so that he buys his hand lotion in 3-packs.

Renal Failure is an entertaining, often thought-provoking read; you should become a regular follower if you aren’t already. Now, I have an appointment with the pedicurist because I’m a little bit afraid RF is gonna go all Tag Larkin on my ass for dissin’ him….
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9 comments

  1. oooh, very clever. very funny.


  2. ROFL, I love it! Great job on the Roast, Venom!


  3. What a riot! Great job, Venom!


  4. Bravo! Well done. I really think you captured the essence of Renal. LMAO


  5. Sweet hydrosyphalic jesus, 1200 posts really? Thats like a lot dude.


  6. I think he’s nailed you


    • She sure did.

      Don’t you wish you could to?


  7. I couldn’t have said it better myself, except would RF go Tag Larkin on Venom’s ass or would Psycho Dave or for that matter would Tina the Lesbian? Which would you sic on her, RF?


    • Ninja Vicki would be up for the task. If I put Tag Larkin on Venom’s ass, she might like it.



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