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Better Homes and Doggie Style

May 4, 2009

“So how was Beltane this year?”  I ask Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.

“It was all right,” says Avonia.  “My husband and I got off with a warning from the cops.”

“Did you get caught A-Maying in the woods again?”  I say.

“No, this time it was in our own garden,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “See, in times of yore the proper way to bless your garden for a rich fruitful harvest for the coming year was to take your lover into said garden and make sweet love in it.

“And your neighbors don’t quite cotton to such practices, do they?”  I say.

“I think we need a solid wood fence for our backyard instead of the chain link one we currently have,” Avonia says.

“If you owned a farm you could fuck all you want out on your many acres of land without these sort of problems occurring again,” I say.

“I’d have to give up pimping,” says Avonia.  “And I’d have to learn how to be a morning person.”

“I think you could handle the rural life,” I say.

“But could the rural life handle me?”  says Avonia.  “Not a lot of stories of farms run by Wiccans, not that I can find.”

“Maybe you could start a trend,” I say.  “Bringing paganism to the farms of America.  Delivering Wicca to the heartland.”

“Yeah… I don’t see that happening,” says Avonia.

“Does this have to do with your fear of being burned at the stake by nervous rural Protestants?”  I say.

“It happened to me in a past life, it can happen again!”  says Avonia.

Pimping ain’t easy, and neither is farming.

avonia smallnote

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6 comments

  1. I’m probably fixated on the wrong aspects of the craft but, when my girlfriend of three years broke up with me last month, one of my first thoughts was, ‘and, damn, right before Beltane.”


  2. so let me get this straight – if i put spooge in my window box, i’ll bet better basil?


    • Only if you’re the one doing the manual release on Basil.


  3. I just finished writing tomorrow night’s post on this very subject. Damn! I’d better publish something else so it doesn’t look like I stole your idea.

    Though my post doesn’t include any Renal Players


    • But I’m sure your “fucking in a garden” post will be a lot sexier than mine.


  4. Damn! now I’ve got to change the title too



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