Any excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday

May 5, 2009

It’s Cinco de Mayo, the one time of year that Americans actually have a favorable view of Mexico and Mexicans, mainly because it involves getting drunk and wearing funny hats.  I think if we told people that illegal immigrants were crossing into America carrying tequila and margarita mix and salt-rimmed glasses then there wouldn’t be all this squawking about building a giant wall on the border. 

The story behind Cinco de Maya is that it celebrates the victory of Mexican forces over French invaders at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.  Your local newscast might tell you that fact but more than likely they will neglect to mention that Mexico eventually lost the war against the French and were subjected to French rule until 1867.  

“So Cinco de Mayo is sort of celebrating the time you got your ass completely beat the fuck down in this bar fight, but at one point you delivered this awesome kick to this one guy’s balls and made him cry blood,”  says Anonymous Doug,  sitting at the bar with a Corona IV bag hooked into his arm, dropping a few fresh limes into it.

“That’s pretty much it,”  I say.  “This awful thing happened, but there was this one really cool thing that happened in the middle of it so let’s celebrate that.”

“But no one in America really remembers any of that Battle of Puebla shit,” says Anonymous Doug.  “They just think the 5th of May is like Mexican St. Patrick’s Day, where a whole nationality just up and decides to get drunk.”

“Do you find it strange that predominantly Catholic nationalities have their own days to get rip-roaring drunk?”  I say.  “St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, Mardi Gras…”

“Well, the Italians don’t have one,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Who looks forward to getting hammered on Columbus Day?  All there is on that day are department store sales.  Happy Columbus Day, have 50 percent off this Tempur-Pedic mattress.”

“True… and I can’t think of what Spain does for a drinking holiday,” I say.  “Damn it, I thought I had found a connection between Catholicism and excessive drinking.”

“Catholicism’s based off a guy who turns water into wine, of course it’s going to be all about drinking,” Anonymous Doug says. 

“You think we can get other nationalities their own special drinking day?”  I say.  “Can we get Americans to get drunk on Canberra Day to celebrate Australia?”

“I think we were drunk on Canberra Day,” says Anonymous Doug.

“Yeah, but we didn’t know it was Canberra Day, we just got drunk on a Monday,” I say.  “And we did nothing to pander to Australian sentiments that day like we do with Cinco de Mayo or St. Patrick’s Day.  No one ate vegemite, no one dressed up as Crocodile Dundee, and I didn’t hear one person say crikey or g’day.  And I didn’t hear one Men at Work or Kylie Minogue song that day either.  Why is there no Kylie Minogue Day to get drunk on?”

“Maybe we can get America to celebrate what little we know about Australia and get drunk on the day that the Croc Hunter died,” says Doug. 

“That plan has just the right kind of nationalistic pandering to work!”  I say. 

A minute later I’m on the phone with the governor’s office to pitch him my idea for Steve Irwin Aussie Extravaganza Day.  At least I think it’s the governor’s office.  No, wait, he’s speaking Korean, it’s the dry cleaning shop again.  Well, in any case this guy seems to like my idea.





  1. I didn’t even know there was a Canberra day… and im an Australian.

  2. 2 things:

    1. I do get fall over shitfaced and set things on fire every 5th of November.

    2. Also remember that Cinco de Mayo isn’t even a terribly significant holiday in Mexico. Our enthusiasm for it is kind of akin to a bunch of Mexicans doing shots and going “Yeah, Arbor Day, who-hoooo!.”

  3. I didn’t know Americans celebrated a Mexican holiday. Not only that, but why? Another reason to get drunk? Good enough for me.

    Here in Canada, we don’t celebrate it. Sadly.

  4. Same here worldofillusion… I missed canberra day… something quite suitable about that though considering how boring canberra is.

    Jan 26th, Australia day, the day we celebrate whiteys opporessive arrival with beer and fried meats. I dare say you could celebrate that, get drunk, oppress some black people for a bit then get drunker…

  5. what the fuck is Canberra day. I’m another Aussie and I haven’t heard of it. Must be a rort for all those pollies to give themselves another pay rise or sumpin’

    It’s always Kylie Minogue day here at the House of Homos

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