Pitching a Tent for Freedom

May 6, 2009

I called up my local sporting goods store today and asked if they stocked Freedom Tents.

“What’s a Freedom Tent?” says the bewildered high-schooler on the other end.

“Why, only just the biggest tent there is,” I say. “And everyone wants to be under the Tent of Freedom. How do you not know of this?”

“Where did you hear about this Tent of Freedom?” asks the sporting goods clerk.

Congressman Jim DeMint of South Carolina,” I say. “He says the biggest tent of all is freedom, so obviously this tent is available for retail purchase on the free market.”

“Uh… what?” The clerk is obviously taking this better than CNN’s Rick Sanchez.

I continue right along. “Now can this Freedom Tent safely hold a deep frier? Because I might want to cook up some Freedom Fries while I’m camping.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to bring a deep frier with you camping,” says the sporting goods clerk.

“Well, now I see why your store doesn’t carry the awesome Tent of Freedom,” I say. “Your small-mindedness shows me you can’t even begin to concieve of its glorious American freedom powers.”

“I guess you could bring a generator…” says the clerk. “But you still might burn the tent down.”

“Now we’re cooking with Freedom,” I say. “Now how’s the waterproofing on the Freedom Tent material? Because I might want to do some waterboarding out there. I’ll find out who stole all my marshmellows and graham crackers one way or another!”

“Who are you waterboarding?” says the clerk.

“Whomever I catch first,” I say.

“So you’re going to waterboard some random person over marshmellows and graham crackers that have yet to be stolen on a camping trip that hasn’t occured yet?” says the clerk.

“In a Tent of Freedom that you won’t sell me, correct,” I say.

“Because it doesn’t exist,” says the clerk.

“In the words of Robert F. Kennedy, ‘There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why… I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?’” I say. “And also he said, I don’t care if I am getting my brother’s sloppy seconds, that is Marilyn fucking Monroe! But the point is, just because the Freedom Tent doesn’t exist, doesn’t mean I can’t have one.”

“But it does mean we can’t sell you one,” says the sporting goods clerk. “We don’t sell imaginary tents.”

“What if I pay for it with imaginary money?” I say.

And so I paid 145 Imaginary Duetschmarks and promised never to call back for myFreedom Tent. Those suckers… I would have gone as high as 200.





  1. hey renal that’s your funniest post this year. I LOVE it!

  2. Oooh, now I have a place to eat my Justice Toast and to do some Righteous Capitalist Kissing.

  3. If it helps, I got a three-person tent from Target and one of those fake Indiana Jones fabric whips that plays the theme song and makes whipcracking sounds when you press a button, and both come in superhandy when camping.

    I don’t know what that has to do with anything, really, but I bought the whip the same time as the tent.

  4. Oh how true, the Tent of Freedom really does not exist, not anywhere. I do love the spin you put on this by playing with the sales clerk like that!

  5. ‘And also he said, I don’t care if I am getting my brother’s sloppy seconds, that is Marilyn fucking Monroe!’

    Damn fucking straight… wait what… you have a news reader called Rick Sanchez?

  6. Rick is also known as “Dirty”. one and the same…

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