It’s a semi-auto paperweight now

May 7, 2009

So I hear that there’s a shortage of ammunition here in America.  Gun owners have been buying ammo faster than stores can stock it and factories can make it.  Most of it has to do with gun-owners being afraid that President Obama and the New Power Generation will come for their guns so they’re stockpiling while they can.  Or they’re getting ready for a race war, a civil war, or a war against the robots depending on where in America they live and which particular screaming head on the radio they listen to

Anyway, all this fervor over guns and ammo has Ninja Vicki very amused.

“It certainly reinforces my opinion of gun owners being whiny paranoid babies,” says Ninja Vicki.   

“Says the woman who doesn’t use doors and hides in the shadows all the time,”  I say.

“But you don’t hear me being a weepy panicky cockdrip  about it, do ya?”  says Ninja Vicki.  “It’s not my fault these people trusted their security and peace of mind to a weapon whose effectiveness is dependant on constantly buying a finite amount of projectiles that they can’t manufacture on their own.”

“Which is why you like swords and knives,” I say.  “No need to reload them.”

“The 2nd Amendment may say you have the right to bear arms, but it doesn’t say shit about having bullets,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Yeah, how do you like your Constitution now, bitches?  Shove that up your strict constructionalist ass.”

“Wouldn’t bullets be considered arms?”  I say.  “I would consider an arrow a weapon but you have to launch them with a bow.”

“You can’t kill anyone with a bullet without firing it out of a gun,” says Ninja Vicki.  “But you can stab someone in the throat with an arrow without firing it from a bow.”

“Yeah, like Ed Norton did to Hannibal Lecter in the beginning of Red Dragon,” I say.  “But those bullets weren’t piercing Lecter’s skin without being fired by a handgun.”

“Gun owners have the strongest lobbying organization in America and they’re still so easily frightened,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Ninjas don’t have anyone representing our interests in Washington and we fear nothing.”

“Fear is an effective fundraising tool,” I say. 

“Yeah, fear of the government coming for their preciouses,” says Ninja Vicki, doing her Gollum impression.  It’s not very good.  “Even if that fantasy comes true, it’s not like all that hoarding means they’re going to come close to winning a standoff with federal agents.  You’re never going to see a ninja lose a standoff because when the feds surround my house I won’t be in it.  I’m miles away by the time they figure that out.”

“So stockpiling guns and ammo is actually counterproductive because it encourages an Alamo ‘last stand’ mentality?”  I say. 

“Seiges usually favor the invading party,” says Ninja Vicki.  “An armed standoff plays right into the government’s hands.  But a ninja running around in the shadows, traveling light with no need to procure ammunition?  The government doesn’t have contingency plans for that.”

“Aside from hiring Samurai Cathy,” I say.  That earns me a mean look from Ninja Vicki.  “Sorry, but it’s true.”

“Eh, at least Catherine doesn’t wet her pants everytime the topic of banning assault rifles comes up in the national discussion,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Rifles have a longer range than my sword, but oh look, I’m not the one living in constant fear.”

“Well, not everyone can be a ninja,” I say.

“File that under ‘Not My Fucking Problem,'” Ninja Vicki says.  “Revolvers, rifles, shotguns, AK-47’s… they won’t help you once I get into your house.”

Ninjas probably aren’t the best people to talk to about guns.  Maybe Sniper Cindy would be, if anyone could ever find her.  The fact that she’s always in a concealed position watching the world through her scope probably verifies everything Ninja Vicki just said.

vicki smallnote




  1. i think you can kill someone with bullets and no gun. one in each nostril, and a handful of 9mm’s into the throat… oh, and one up the asspipe for good measure.

  2. I once held up a convenience store with a pair of pliers, a rock hammer and one bullet.

    Guns don’t kill people. People with guns kill people.

  3. Bullets can be an effective weapon when thrown into a campfire or an incinerator. I’m going to see what happens when I put a few rounds in the oven alongside the meatloaf.

  4. pliers and a rock hammer would scare the shit outta me

  5. I can’t beleive Barack Obama wants to stop us bearing arms… how would… we… type…

    I’ve got a feeling I should apologise for that pun, but I’m not going to, thats how we roll, T-Lott posse for LIFE!

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