Tell Your Children Not to Buy Crappy Cards

May 11, 2009

I find it interesting that Anna Jarvis, the woman who came up with Mother’s Day (which was yesterday), “wished she would have never started the day because it became so out of control …” in regards to the over-commercialization of the holiday to sell flowers and greeting cards (instead of writing your own personal letter to mom).

“Well, obviously she hated America,” says Mikka. “Because taking things born of genuine love and emotion and then drowning it in a bathtub of commercialism and capitalist greed is what this country is all about.”

“The over-commercialization of Mother’s Day doesn’t bother me,” says Anonymous Doug. “Then again, my mom doesn’t remember me so I don’t have to get her anything.”

“Cats don’t have Mother’s Day,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “We don’t see much of mom after three months or so, let alone for a full year to warrant having a whole day for her. MAMA! WHY DID YOU LEAVE US?!”

“A’think itsa good thin’ ta have greetin’ cards ta buy fa’ Matha’s Day,” Marlie says, sliding a fresh saucer of gin in front of Bernie and scratching him behind the ear to calm him down. “I rathar ‘ave Hallmark do tha’ talkin’ far me when it cams ta santaments I wanna giv’ta me Ma. Else ma wants a banch’a varses abaut drinkin’ and cursin’ and shite.”

“Commercialization of Mother’s Day ensures that I have something nice to steal to give to my mom,” says Ninja Vicki. “The stores have such nice things out for Mother’s Day.”

“Considering my Mother’s Days are usually spent tolerating my Mom asking me if I’m still doing ‘that whole lesbian thing,’ I have no sympathy for Anna Jarvis,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Although this year now that a few more states have legalized gay marriage mom might be asking me when I’m going to settle down and get gay married.”

“I get Mother’s Day cards for my whores who have kids,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “I think that’s good pimp protocol.”

“Will restaurants grant you their Mother’s Day discount if you’re not a mother or you’re not with anyone who is a mother?” says Samurai Cathy. “Because there’s an Italian place in town that has a special menu for Mother’s Day and it looks fabulous and affordable too. But my Mom’s dead and I have no children of my own.”

Tag Larkin knows that Happiness is a Warm Gun, and so every year for Mother’s Day Tag Larkin buys a gun, shoots off a few rounds into his mother’s neighbor’s house, and then hands the gun to Mom Larkin with a bow taped to it. It sure beats flowers.

mikka smallnote




  1. If Tag will shoot into my neighbor’s house, I’ll adopt him.

  2. Seriously, why isn’t Tina all gay married yet? Horseshit.

  3. That may be the only thing cats get right. Fuck mothers.

  4. Hey! I went to school with an Anna Jarvis…I didn’t like her much.

  5. Can we hear a bit more about Tags mum… she must be a special lady.

  6. Avonia is such a thoughtful pimp

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