It’s Getting Hot Out Here… So Put On All Your Clothes

May 12, 2009

Tina the Lesbian went out on an unseasonably hot day to get her mail… and found the physical manifestation of male oppression Lance Patriarchy waiting for her.

“So… it’s a scorcher today, ain’t it?” Lance Patriarchy says.

“Yes it is,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Why aren’t you wearing your summer clothes?” asks Lance Patriarchy. “This is tanktop and shorts weather, not pants and long-sleeve weather . You must be sweating your balls off.”

“I wasn’t expecting this type of heat yet,” Tina the Lesbian says.

“Of course not,” says Lance Patriarchy. “This little taste of summer has caught you off-guard, before you could melt away those extra pounds you put on over the winter. You thought you had another month to get those thighs to be less jiggly.”

“Oh wow, the figure of male oppression is trying to make me feel bad about my body,” Tina the Lesbian sarcastically snaps. “Big shocker there.”

“I don’t have to try,” says Lance Patriarchy. “You’ve dreaded the summer before you even knew I existed. The hot weather rolls in and demands you to make an awful choice: you can either expose the shameful flab you’ve been hiding from those mean dumb boys and vicious catty girls under your hooded sweatshirts and jeans… or you can continue concealing it, drench yourself in sweat, and risk dehydration, heat stroke, and swamp ass while sparing yourself the embarrassment of people seeing your jiggly form. ”

“Are you trying to tell me that summer is a tool of the patriarchy?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Think about it,” says Lance Patiarchy. “Summer makes women wear revealing clothes that delight the male population. It also provides anxiety to those who don’t live up to the unrealistic physical expectations I’ve established. And it also invites women to wear sandals and flip-flops, abandoning footwear that demand respect. Wet T-shirt contests, car washes, tan lines… summer is obviously the season for male oppression.”

“I’d like to say you’re full of shit,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But then there’s all those Frankie Avalon/Annette Funicello movies and all the traditional gender roles they reinforced…”

“Just look at all those skinny girls with those bronze tans, string bikinis, and firm tummies, being greatly rewarded for bowing before my altar of expectations,” says Lance Patriarchy. “And then there’s you… red as a lobster and wearing a frumpy one piece because your back fat keeps eating the bikini string. Summer pays me my tribute.”

“So is Global Warming also in your employ?” asks Tina the Lesbian.

“Hey, whatever keep you women half-naked, shoeless, and under my phallic tyranny,” says Lance Patriarchy.

So Tina goes back in her house and cranks up the air conditioning. If running up a large electric bill helps thwart the machinations of the Patriarchy and Summer, so be it.




  1. HA! I fucking knew it.

    And I’d like to think that my blogs about hating summer and feeling sorry for myself were your inspiration.

    Good man, you are.

    • Yeah, your post on summer clothes was the obvious springboard. You and Tina should hang out.

  2. “…your back fat keeps eating the bikini string”

    shit. mystery solved…

  3. Wear the flesh with attitude and dig the rays. Lest we forget, there are jowls, plumber’s buttcracks, manboobs and combovers out there. Really, really bad combovers.

  4. Actually, given that the Global Warming scare is likely accurate, cranking up the air conditioning would only serve to reinforce the machinations of the Patriarchy.

    I think Lance, with his misogynist train of thought, really wants to see half-naked men, because he’s a flaming homosexual.

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