That’s just how Tag Larkin was raised

May 14, 2009

Tag Larkin was once in a beauty pageant and in the questions portion of the competition he was asked how he would use his position to help starving children. Tag Larkin answered: “We live in a country where children can be starving or fed. And Tag Larkin will destroy the starving children who threaten our freedom with their talk of food marriage. No offence to anyone, but that’s just how Tag Larkin was raised.” And though Tag Larkin was disqualified from the pageant for getting an erection during the swimsuit competition, he secretly believes it was his principled stand against starving children that cost him the crown of Ms. Tri-County Area.

But that’s just how Tag Larkin was raised.

When Tag Larkin is working at Chickensian Dystopia, our local Charles Dickens-themed chicken fast-food place, sometimes he’ll give you what you ordered and sometimes he won’t. And if you confront him about it he’ll hit you in the face with the cash register because Tag Larkin sees any correcting of his actions as a condescending personal threat. So while you’re laying on the floor with a Grade III concussion, covered in the crispy chicken fingers and cole slaw that you didn’t order in the first place, don’t blame Tag Larkin for what happened to you.

Because that’s just how Tag Larkin was raised.

Tag Larkin fucks Muppets.  It wouldn’t be a problem except that he fucks them on other people’s front lawns.  Some say it’s because Tag Larkin is practicing for when the aliens come to Earth, as his dream is find intelligent life from another planet and fuck its brains out.  Other say it’s because Tag Larkin was conceived on a pool table and thus has an unnatural affinity for felt.  Whatever the case, don’t you dare come out of your house and give him disapproving looks or call the cops on him or, worse of all, judge him by what he humps on your property.

Because that’s just how Tag Larkin was raised.  So just shut up and accept whatever Tag Larkin says and does.





  1. Touche.

  2. does Chickensian Dystopia sell gruel?

  3. I always said Kermit was asking for it.

  4. I’d like to see Tag Larking go up against Greg the Bunny. He might forget his upbringing when faced with that cuteness.

  5. Well who hasn’t looked at miss piggy and thought… no, no I’m not going there…

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