Oh Canada! Just a little more to the left… that’s it

May 18, 2009

Two weeks ago we discussed how Americans took a minor holiday in Mexico and turned it into a day-long tailgating party at Jimmy Buffet concert, except with more sombreros.  And that got us to thinking about how we could something like that for other nationalities that don’t get their own heavy drinking day.

Then I remembered we tried this before for our Canadian audience regarding Victoria Day.  First in 2006 we tried exchanging gifts, but that didn’t catch on.  But our 2007 Canadian drinkfest seemed to show promise so we resurrected it for 2009.

Apparently Canadians are said to refer to the day as May Two Four.  This is because Victoria Day usually falls near the 24th of May, Queen Victoria’s actual birthday, and because there are 24 bottles of beer in a case. We’re not sure if that’s because the Queen decreed that all cases had to have 24 bottles or not, but we’re pretty sure the Queen would want us to drink 24 beers each because the Queen rocks the party that rocks your body. 

So it’s me, Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, Anonymous Doug, and Mikka (his girlfriend Samurai Cathy let him out) gathered at the bar to get our Canuck on.  We pound our first six beers while watching Jeopardy, as hosted by noted Canadian Alex Trebek. 

“Hey, he’s not saying ‘eh’ or ‘aboot,'” says Mikka.  “Are you sure he’s Canadian?”

“As Canadian as Shatner,” I say.  “Perhaps Alex has been in America too long and it sapped the Canuck right out of him.”

“It already took his mustache,” says Anonymous Doug. 

“He got off easy compared to Michael J. Fox,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “He’s still shaking from his Canuckerectomy.”

The next six beers were spent trying to figure out the rules of Canadian Football.

“I get the 110 yard field and the three downs part,”  I say.  “But what’s this rouge bullshit?”

“If you kick the ball out the back of the other team’s end zone you get a point,” says Mikka, who has actually watched a few CFL games.  “Or if you kick it into the end zone and the other team can’t advance it out.”

“So you can miss a field goal and still get a point out of it?”  says Anonymous Doug.  “That’s red commie football.  Keep your socialist single point plays, Canada!  But let me get a taste of that nationalized health care because there’s been a lot of blood in my stool lately and I’m uninsured.”

“I want to sit in the Grey Cup,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “It looks like a nice place to take a nap in.”

Beers 13-through 20 are spent singing Canadian karaoke.  The rules were that you had to pick two Canadian singers or groups.  I chose to rock out to Corey Hart and Bryan Adams because my penchant for 80’s nostalgia, Mikka picked BareNaked Ladies and Crash Test Dummies, Anonymous Doug went old school and hit up Neil Young and Rush, and Bernie got stuck with Avril Lavigne and Alanis Morrisette.  And Bernie had to reach to remember that Alanis was Canadian, or else he would have been forced to choose Canada’s worst import.  No, not Celine Dion.  Nickleback. 

The last four beers of our 24-pack celebration of the Queen are spent at Swashbuckler’s strip club trying stuff Canadian loonie coins into the g-strings of the topless dancers.  They didn’t appreciate that, nor did they appreciate my repeated demands for them to “TAKE IT OFF FOR THE QUEEN!”  or Anonymous Doug’s constant inquiries on whether he could get a Toronto Steamer (which we believe is like a Cleveland Steamer, except more polite). 

But we did finish off that 24th beer by the time the bouncers threw all of us out,  except for Mikka who had his 24th beer broken over his head during the scrum.  Samurai Cathy’s going to want to know why we’ve returned her boyfriend to her with blood dripping from his scalp.  I think I’ll blame it on the Queen.





  1. I can’t believe you forgot Shania Twain, Canada’s very own Viagra. If Catullus had known about her he’d’ve written a very special poem.

  2. Do people seriously like Nickelback? I know there’s gotta be someone, somewhere, buying up all those albums. I’ve just never met them. Thank god.

  3. you avoided Michael Bublé. nice. speaking of people who need a beer bottle smashed on a scalp…

  4. I forgot we call it May two four. Jeez, where has my mind been???

    I like Nickelback, although I don’t own any of their music, but I might…someday.

  5. What about Joni and Leonard?

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