Commence to Speaking

May 19, 2009

Alice: It’s nice to meet you, sir. I’ll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: “I just drank two bottles of tequila, my wife doesn’t know I’m here. Any of you girls over 18?”
Duke: I still give that speech today.
—The Critic

Hearing all the pearl-clutching about President Obama giving the commencement at Notre Dame (apparently if you’re pro-choice and you speak at a Catholic university, it summons the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to destroy the world) got me thinking about what I would say if I was chosen to give a commencement speech at a graduation. The above quote would pretty much be it.

But that got us talking about who we would want as our commencement speaker if we were (either yet again or for the first time) graduating high school or college or an online pagan correspondence school in Avonia the Wiccan Pimp’s case.

“I’d want Gary Busey,” says Mikka. “If I’m going to sit through a long ceremony wearing a gown and a dumb hat, I want someone on stage to blow my mind with madness. And possibly assault members of the faculty.”

“Cats should give all graduation speeches,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “Someone puts the cat up on the podium, he sort of just lies around for a little bit, purrs into the microphone, maybe licks his paw to clean his face, then gets bored and jumps down to go sun himself. Now that’s how you commence a graduation.”

“I’d go to a graduation if Ozzy Osbourne was speaking there,” says Anonymous Doug. “Because if I’m showing up drunk, I want a speaker who sounds drunk too. That’s someone I can relate to.”

“I’ll take any speaker who doesn’t put the weight of the world’s problems on me during his speech,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Screw you, Jonathan Kozol. I’m an English major, I can’t fix shit. Says so right there on my diploma. English Major: Cannot Fix This Shitty World.”

“Ghandi,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, elicting weird looks from everyone. “Hey, no one specified that the speaker in question had to be alive.”

The Wiccan is a sharp one; you have to be when you’re a pimp. So we compromise and put her down for the more awesome choice: Zombie Ghandi, who would be the most peaceful zombie ever because he wouldn’t eat your brains.

“If Avonia can pick a dead guy, I get to pick a dead guy too,” says Ninja Vicki. “I want Bruce Lee. He’d be the only commencement speaker who could stop me from killing him, and that’s the only person I want to hear anything from.”

“I really don’t think you can get a better commencement speaker than the President,” says Samurai Cathy.

“That’s not funny or clever or original,” says Ninja Vicki. “Way to ruin this whole thing, Catherine.”

“Yeah, like you were particularly clever with your Bruce Lee selection, Victoria,” says Samurai Cathy. “Like no one could have seen that one coming a mile away.”

“It was still better than yours, firebush,” Ninja Vicki retorts.

“Everything of mine is better than yours, carp-crotch,” says Samurai Cathy.

And this is where the swords come out and we end up getting banned from yet another Applebee’s. There’s something about chain restaurants that serve alcohol that brings out the worst in us.

cathy smallnote




  1. I don’t think that I’ve ever gone into an Applebees and avoided a fight.

  2. Having sat through a couple graduation ceremonies, I’d have to go with someone entertaining. Robin Williams, maybe. Or a funny author like Carl Hiaasen or Chris Moore.

    Just stumbled here through Humor Bloggers. Nice site!


  3. I think I’d like Crackle… from the rice bubbles box, I hear he’s very deep.

  4. Carp-crotch? That sounds fishy to me…..

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