You are what your mom ate

May 21, 2009

I work under the mindset that you have to make more of a concerted effort to maintain your friendships as you get older. Remember how you just used to do things with your friends? Not anymore, old head. Now it takes weeks of planning and scheduling and adjusting. And this is just with your single friends, we’re not even talking about your friends in decent relationships or your married friends or your unwed mother friends. That’s a whole other shit tsunami.

Anyway, so as your circle of friends contract with age you tend to cling to the friends who are not only still around but who are available on a semi-reliable basis.

I bring this up because this is the only reason I can come up with why Tina the Lesbian and Anonymous Doug continue hanging out with each other down at the local pub. Because it’s sure not because they have a lot in common.

“How much stock do you put into pre-natal conditioning?” Anonymous Doug says to Tina as they sit at the bar.

“You mean like getting in shape to give birth?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“No, I’m talking about little habits and stuff that your mom does while you’re in the womb that gets passed onto you,” says Anonymous Doug. “For example, I was told my mom constantly ate Burger King Whoppers while she was pregnant with me. And today I really enjoy Whoppers. I don’t feel that way about Big Macs or whatever the hell Wendy’s serves. And I think that’s because of all those Whoppers she ate while preggers.”

“I don’t know,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Moms eat a lot of weird shit while pregnant. I never hear about anyone eating ice cream and pickles because that’s what their mom ate while preggers.”

“Because I was thinking that maybe you’re a lesbian because your mom ate a lot of box while pregnant with you,” says Anonymous Doug. This leaves Tina the Lesbian slackjawed in shock. “Now I’m not saying your mom was a lesbian. I’m just saying maybe she experimented while you were in utero.”

“I really don’t think that’s the case with my mom,” says Tina the Lesbian. “She thinks homosexuality is a phase.”

“Well, it very well might have been with her,” says Anonymous Doug. “Your mom gets pregnant, maybe your dad doesn’t find her attractive, so she gets the affection she needs between the caring legs of a sapphic friend.”

“This is idiotic, Doug,” says Tina the Lesbian. “What if a mom while pregnant sucks a lot of dicks and gives birth to a boy? Does that mean the boy’s going to grow up to be gay?”

“And does it mean that the girl is going to grow up to be an ultra slut? We don’t know,” says Anonymous Doug. “And these are the type of questions I want science to answer. I want science that’s accessible to me. I don’t need you scientist guys to waste brain power on String Theory or particle colliders. But I want some answers about pre-natal stuff like this.”

“Why do you care about if pregnant women pass on habits to their children based on what they put in their mouths?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Because I think the girl who let me pee in her mouth the other night was pregnant,” says Anonymous Doug. “Or just fat. I’m not sure. But if she was pregnant, I’m wondering whether I jump-started someone’s future golden shower fetish.”

I think maybe Tina hangs out with Doug because she will never remember whatever awful thing he says whenever he leaves. That’s probably how Anonymous Doug keeps all of his friendships. It doesn’t answer Doug’s question though about the womb though.





  1. Moms have no idea the horrors they’re inflicting upon their children during pregnancy. And speaking of golden showers: Doug, that’s disgusting.

  2. Fuck. That confirms it. Mom! You Slut!

  3. I ate Cherry Ripes all through my homo son’s gestation…..

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