So that’s why they put pin-up girls on the sides of their airplanes

May 25, 2009

It’s Memorial Day here in America, the unofficial start of the summer season as Americans are too impatient to wait for the summer solstice in June.

So I’m having a barbeque at my place, but I’m not allowed to cook because I’ll burn the neighborhood down with my lack of culinary talents and my zeal for fire. Look how it dances, so delightful, and it speaks to me, of how everyone only humors me and that they are disgusted by my presence. What’s that, fire? I should teach them all a lesson? That sounds very reasonable, and righteous…

…anyway, so Tina the Lesbian is manning the grille. And while she cooking up some burgers we get to talking about the history of Memorial Day.

“So it was first called Decoration Day?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Yup, and it was originally created to commemorate the Union war dead from the Civil War,” I say. “It used to cheese off the South, but not so much since they changed it to all the American war dead after World War I. Damn shame, really. We need more federal holidays that point at the Confederacy and say ‘Look what you did, ya stupid jerk.'”

“Why’d they change the name from Decoration Day to Memorial Day?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“I don’t know, ’cause it sounded gay?” I say.

“That’s not the reason,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“It could be,” I say, then I spot Anonymous Doug holding Mikka up for a keg stand. “Hey, Doug! What do you think of when I say Decoration Day?”

“Does it have something to do with the Queer Eye people coming to your house?” says Anonymous Doug.

“See?” I say.

“That is not the reason,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“It could be for all we know,” I say. “You think ‘gay’ was just invented in the 1920’s? It’s always been here, and the US Military has always been really squeamish about it for whatever reason. Case in point, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. The minute the American military find out you’re gay they kick you out.”

“They let gays serve in the Israel military,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Canada does… Belgium does… but not America.”

“So what’s to say that this same military that fires good competent soldiers just for being homos wouldn’t push to have Decoration Day renamed Memorial Day because it sounded less faggy?” I say.

Tina the Lesbian ponders this. “Hmm… large group of men, living in close quarters, getting all dirty, showering together, severe lack of women around, self-esteem dictated to them by screaming dominating superiors, given large weapons which are really just phallic extentions, training to shoot those phallic symbols and penetrate other men… oh my god, you’re right. No wonder they’re so uptight about it.”

“Male heterosexual identity is a fragile thing,” I say.

So while Tina and I try to figure out other things that had been named a certain way in an attempt to not be gay, Anonymous Doug proceeds to smoke some opium out on my driveway. He says it’s because poppies are a symbol of Memorial Day (because of the poem In Flanders Fields), but he’s not into flowers so this is the next best thing.





  1. The reason the Army doesn’t want gays in the military is that the real thing never lives up to its depiction in gay porn. The hordes of new, gay employees would grow disgruntled rather quickly.

  2. the air force worked on a ‘gay bomb’ for a bit… then the work disappeared. wonder if it backfired?

  3. haha…. daisyfae said ‘backfired’

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