WaterblondingMay 26, 2009
Psycho Dave is in my living room with a dry erase board, drawing what looks to be some sort of math equation but I suspect it’s really just a lot of nonsense to make whatever he’s about to tell me sound smarter than it is.
“I’ve figured out how to definitely determine whether waterboarding is torture or not,” says Psycho Dave.
“It’s pretty obvious that it’s torture,” I say. “We prosecuted Japanese soldiers in World War II for waterboarding. People who have actually been waterboarded like Governor Jesse Ventura and Christopher Hitchens say it’s torture.”
“But it’s not obvious enough,” says Psycho Dave. “There’s still a lot of denial and doubt amongst the chattering classes. And I want that doubt erased if I’m going to apply to the CIA to be a torturer. I’m not going into work to do pussy-ass enhanced interrogation techniques. I’m in it for the torture.”
“It’s good to see you standing up for your principles,” I say. “So how are you going to prove waterboarding is torture?”
“We have to waterboard hot blonde white chicks,” says Psycho Dave.
“But hot blonde white chicks are our post-apocalypse currency,” I say. “We can’t waterboard our money. We need those women to trade for weapons and fuel.”
“We only have to waterboard a tiny percentage of the hot blonde white chick population to prove my point,” says Psycho Dave.
“So why must we waterboard our nation’s most precious resource?” I say.
“Because so far we’ve only waterboarded Muslims,” says Psycho Dave. “It’s a poor pool from which to test whether something is torture because Americans don’t give a rat’s ass what happens to Muslims. Fuckers couldn’t find Afghanistan or Pakistan on map before 9/11. But there’s one thing Americans care about on a universal level and that’s hot blonde women.”
“I’ve been partial to girls with darker hair myself,” I say. “But I’m not what you would call inline with popular American opinion.”
“History shows that if something happens to a hot blonde white girl and the news covers it non-stop,” says Psycho Dave. “Natalee Holloway, Elizabeth Smart, Jon Benet Ramsey, Pvt. Jessica Lynch… shit, that Ms. California chick gets more coverage in the news than police officers who are killed in the line of duty, and all she did was be a dumbass on television and get called a bitch by Perez Hilton.”
“So you’re saying if we waterboard Ms. California, we’ll find out if waterboarding is really torture or not?” I say.
“Her and twenty other hot blonde white chicks,” says Psycho Dave. “It’s not science unless you can replicate the results, and I like to be thorough.”
“And how will waterboarding twenty-one hot blonde white women prove that waterboarding is torture?” I say.
“First off, they’ll proclaim it was torture as loud as their skinny blonde throats can go,” says Psycho Dave. “Secondly, we televise it. And the conscience of the nation will be so shaken that such a thing is happening to not just one but twenty-one of our nation’s precious hot blonde white women that waterboarding will be instantly decried as torture.”
“Which will mean you’ll be able to waterboard detainees without offending your principles,” I say.
“Because enhanced interrogation techniques is euphamistic bullshit,” says Psycho Dave. “I don’t want anyone downplaying the awful things I do with vague wording that takes all the sass out of it. That reflects poorly on me.”
“Because saying you were at a mass coital exhibition is a lot less interesting and impressive than saying you were at an orgy,” I say.
“I have no more to teach you today,” says Psycho Dave. “Now let’s go to the hardware store. We need to turn your basement in a dungeon of horrors. Then we need to buy an unmarked van to round up women in.”
“All right, but don’t do that thing where you tuck your junk between your legs and sing Goodbye Horses,” I say.
“I promise nothing,” says Psycho Dave. “Now put the fucking lotion in the basket!”