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My coping mechanism doesn’t have a warranty

June 2, 2009

One of my many failings as a human being is my inability to deal with things in a healthy, constructive manner.

Case in point, both Ninja Vicki and I were very dismayed with the news of Dr. George Tiller, a late-term abortion doctor, being murdered at his church. Ninjas are strong proponents of reproductive autonomy.

Ninja Vicki decides become an abortion escort, someone who escorts women into abortion clinics past the protestors outside. As the linked video describes: “It helps the patients feel safe and less overwhelmed,” and “also helps keep the protestors from misbehaving.” And there are few things safer than walking anywhere with a ninja at your side.

Ninja Vicki likes it when one of the protestors will yell “Abortion is murder” at her. That gives her the opportunity to flash her sword at the protestor and say “No, I am murder.” Impressive, considering ninjas don’t get many opportunities to crack bad-ass one-liners like that.

I, on the other hand, decide to dress up in a blood-drenched doctor’s outfit, drag a vacuum cleaner behind me and parade outside my local church declaring myself to be Doctor Abortostein. Then I yell for some pro-life bastard to shoot me before I build my fetus-fueled time machine and travel back to Biblical times to suck Jesus right out of Mary’s womb and use his stem cells to develop the mutant ability to end pregnancies just by shouting at a mother’s belly. After eight hours of screaming no one shoots me, and that disappoints me.

I supposed I could jot my feelings down in a journal for my own benefit, or on a weblog for some sort of public catharsis, but that’s not nearly as fun as sneaking into Sean and Lucia Wheatley’s bedroom at night dressed as Dr. Abortostein, turning on the vacuum cleaner, and yelling “RAAAAH! I’ve got your baby! RAAAAH!”

Then again, any excuse to scare the shit out of the Wheatley’s can’t be all bad. Dr. Abortostein made Lucia jump so high out of bed she hit the ceiling fan.

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7 comments

  1. Personally, I’d like to see a ninja silently murder a whole slew of pro-life protesters with nothing but her wits and a rusty coat hanger.


  2. So how does Ninja Vicki feel about getting her ass kicked by a Spartan on Spike TV? Huh? Yeah. What what.


    • Ninja Vicki is not happy about that one bit, more so because Samurai Cathy keeps reminding her about it (and the samurai beat the viking). Vicki says that was bullshit because real ninjas don’t fight straight up against bronze tanks like Spartans. They wait until the Spartan goes homes and then the ninja slits his throat while he sleeps.

      And Marlie is ecstatic that the IRA beat the Taliban on the season finale of Deadliest Warrior.


      • I think Yakuza vs. Mafia was my favorite.

        “Yeah, those are pretty and all, but–”

        “These are just to distract you while I break your face with my foot.”

        “Hey, bro, lay off the sake.”


  3. ‘Then I yell for some pro-life bastard to shoot me before I build my fetus-fueled time machine and travel back to Biblical times to suck Jesus right out of Mary’s womb and use his stem cells to develop the mutant ability to end pregnancies just by shouting at a mother’s belly’

    I heard that was the back story to the next Batman villain…


  4. Can I have some of your drugs?


  5. Actually, that’s the most healthy and constructive reaction I’ve read so far. I think that some of the fetus people honestly see abortion doctors about like that and someone needs to dress up as Dr. Abortostein for real and get the absurdity of their mental map out in the open.

    This is one issue where my sense of humor just goes on the blink, right when it would probably do me the most good, and I’m glad someone’s hanging onto his.

    My Albino Ex used to enrage his colleagues in the Arlington Republican Party dating a Republican is something you do for your sins, in most cases) by saying “Stop living in the past! Women want their abortions, so fire up those vacuum cleaners!” They kept threatening to throw him out but they were painted into a corner because he was the only person in their camp who ever showed up at Board meetings.



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