Abercrombie and Christ

June 8, 2009


“Black Jesus,” I say to the risen Christ as we stare at this picture of a sculpture entitled “Jesus in Jeans.”

“Yes…” says Black Jesus.

“Does this sort of thing make you want to forsake the human race and doom humanity to burn eternally in Hell?”  I say.  “I mean, the saying goes, ‘Jesus saves,’ right?  So couldn’t Jesus un-save too?”

“I’m seriously considering looking into that,” says Black Jesus.

“Because, damn, you look like such a fucking douchebag in this sculpture,” I say.  “The hair, the billowing loose shirt, the baggy jeans with no shoes… you’re not Jesus of Nazareth, you’re Jesus of the OC.”

“I’m surprised I’m not wearing a visor or a hemp necklace in this atrocity,” says Black Jesus.

“You’re not giving a Sermon on the Mount, you’re giving a Sermon at The Gap,” I say.

“Shut up,” says Black Jesus.

“What kind of parables does Douchebag Jesus in Jeans give to people?”  I say.  “The story of the Good Samaritan who shops at Aeropostale?”

“I said shut up,” says Black Jesus.

“Did Judas betray you for a good deal on khaki cargo pants from Old Navy?”  I say.

“Damn it, why haven’t you been struck down by lightning yet?”  Black Jesus says.  “I’ve been summoning a bolt to hit you since that Aeropostale crack.”

“I’m an atheist,” I say.  “You can’t harm me because I don’t believe in you.”

“If you don’t believe in me, how can you be talking to me?”  says Black Jesus.

“Because I’m also insane,” I say.

“You win this round,” Black Jesus says.

“Don’t be so bitter,” I say.  “At least they didn’t pop your collar.”

Then I offer to take Black Jesus to the mall so he can roam around an Eddie Bauer store.  That prompts the Son of God to backhand me in the balls.  Behold, the risen DoucheChrist.





  1. WWJW? What Would Jesus Wear?

    Glad he was barefoot. Would have hated to see him in Crocs.

  2. He probably plays his acoustic guitar on the beach to pick up chicks, but he only knows “More Than Words” and Fall Out Boy.

    • Or Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.”

      • Don’t forget the Rufus and Ben Folds stuff…

  3. So, I’ve got Jesus Christ bent over the hood of my car and I’m fucking him the ass going, “Who’s yer daddy? Who’s yer daddy!”

    And he’s got his face pressed against the sheet metal with his robe up under his armpits, crying just a little and saying, “God, oh God.”

    And that’s the way I should be.

    • What? No reach around for the King of Kings?

      • Was there a second coming?

  4. Thomas I hadn’t really pictured you as a robe-lifter

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