They’re coming out of the god damn walls, man!

June 15, 2009

So in a recent speech former Speaker of the House and guy who divorced his wife while she had cancer Newt Gingrich was quoted with saying the following “I think this is one of the most critical moments in American history,” Gingrich said. “We are living in a period where we are surrounded by paganism.”

So I went to find my authority on pagan matters Avonia the Wiccan Pimp to see if this is true.

“Surrounded by paganism?”  says Avonia.  “Perhaps in the sense that General Custer surrounded the Indians at the Battle of Little Big Horn with a numerically inferior force.”

“Last stands never end well,” I say.  “So this surrounded by paganism thing is bullshit?”

“I don’t know what Gingrich means by paganism,” says Avonia.  “Is speaking about religions that have no connection to Judiasm, Christianity, and Islam?  Or religions that predated Christianity?  Paganism is rather loosely defined.”

“So Hinduism and Buddhism could come under the pagan umbrella?”  I say.

“It certainly could depending on how wide a pagan net you want to cast,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.

“Would atheists count as pagans?”  I say.  “We don’t believe in any god.”

“Probably,” says Avonia.  “The way I read Gingrich’s understanding of the word paganism is anything not involving Jesus, with an exception granted to the Jews for political reasons.”

“So you think he’d include Islam into his paganism definition even though they acknowledge Jesus in a minor way?”  I say.

“Hell, I’m pretty sure he’d throw Universal Unitarians into that group too,” says Avonia.  “And maybe those of the growing demographic who don’t affiliate with any specific faith as well.”

“Because you can’t get into heaven if you’re marked down as ‘undecided,'” I say. 

“I wish we were actually surrounded by paganism,” says Avonia.  “Oppressive gender expectations and roles would be shattered, sexual attitudes wouldn’t be based in shame, and we’d act more out of love than fear.”

“Don’t forget the wife-swapping at Beltane,” I say.

“Yeah, you’d think someone with as many divorces as Newt Gingrich would be more welcoming of a faith that has a holiday that allows one night of extra-marital activity,”  says Avonia. 

“It’s the danger that gets him off on it,” I say.  “Violating your vow to your wife and your Lord for a piece of young ass… there are few bigger thrills than that.  It’s like immoral Viagra.”

But sadly no one will make commercials for Immoral Viagra.  No Smiling Bob banging women in his office while his wife tends to the kiddies at home.   No bathtubs in the backyard for the unfaithful to lounge in while waiting for that 4-hour erection to subside.  This is because you don’t need a prescription of Immoral Viagra, and thus money cannot be made off it.   

avonia smallnote




  1. Few people know that Newt Gingrich was trained as a mathematician. When He means “surrounded by Paganism” he means that he has put us inside of a very small ring and defined us to be on the outside.

  2. Sort of like when a girl tells Tag Larkin to stop following her and he says “Tag Larkin isn’t following you, you’re following Tag Larkin the long way.” It’s all a matter of perspective. Possibly while drunk.

  3. “Last stands never end well,”

    Well it wouldn’t really be a last stand if it ended well wouldn’t it.

    ‘So in a recent speech former Speaker of the House and guy who divorced his wife while she had cancer Newt Gingrich was quoted’

    And cancer don’t stop your wife being a bitch…

  4. “surrounded by a numerically inferior force”

    I like it. How can I work it into my next conversation around the cooler without plagiarising you?

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