Keeping the Fire Alive Part Zwei

June 18, 2009

With Avonia the Wiccan Pimp’s failure yesterday to help Mikka and Samurai Cathy rekindle the fire in their relationship, we are now forced to go to Plan B.  B for Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, the only other married friend we have.

After explaining to Bernie that we’ve already eliminated romantic getaways, threesomes, and magic spells, we let the cyborg cat go to work.

“First off, if you’re stuck in a rut, it’s not going to break itself,” says Bernie.  “Whatever you’re doing, do the opposite.”

“So do the opposite of dinner and a movie?” says Mikka.  “What is that?  Fasting and a musical?”

“Where do you two have sex?”  says Bernie.

“In the bedroom,” says Mikka.

“Next time have it in a church,” says Bernie. 

“Catholic or Protestant?”  says Mikka.

“Doesn’t matter,” says Bernie.

“I don’t think I can sneak Cathy into a church,” says Mikka.  “People can see her kimono a mile away.”

“That’s not the point,” says Bernie.  “The point is to take your safe routine and flip it.  Force yourselves to do something brand new together.”

“We don’t have a lot to spend on brand new experiences,” says Mikka.

“Sex in a church is free,” says Bernie. 

“Unless you get caught,” I say.  “There’s fines, probation, community service… and possibly being put on the Megan’s Law list depending on if a minor finds you getting busy on top of the altar.”

“Maybe we’ll do something less illegal but still somewhat excitingly dangerous,” says Mikka.

“You know what else helps me and Marlie out when things get a bit dull?”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Role-playing in the bedroom.  Like the time Marlie was Madame Curie and I was Magellan, and together we discovered the radioactive sexy element Laidium.”

“Dude, I make love to a samurai,” says Mikka.  “That’s pretty awesome in itself.  I don’t think costumes are going to add anything.”

“But are you dressed as anything though?”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Think about her needs.  Maybe she’d like you as a pirate or a fireman or Sting’s character in the movie Dune.”

“That’s fair, considering she’s already dressed up,” I say.  “But don’t ‘roleplay’ roleplay.  No being a Level 3 Paladin with 50 hit points and a Ring of Fire that does +10 damage to ice elementals.   No amount of charisma points is going to make your woman think that’s sexy.”

“Also, pick a night to let her indulge in any sexual fetish she might have,” says Bernie.  “No matter how weird.”

“I’m not sure she has a fetish,” says Mikka.

“They all have a fetish,” says Bernie.  “Give them enough time to think about it and they’ll come up with stuff that would make Tag Larkin blush.  Marlie’s got this one thing-”

“Ah, no no no!”  Mikka says, holding his ears.  “Whatever it is, I don’t want it burned forever in my brain.”

“See, that’s why things have gotten stale with you and Samurai Cathy,” says Bernie.  “You gotta be willing to get nasty.  You gotta find out where you haven’t gone and then go there.  That’s where the excitement and adventure is.”

“I know that,” says Mikka.  “I just like my excitement and adventure to not involve a semi-mechanical cat getting wild with a human female.”

“And that is why you fail,” says Bernie.

“So why do I fail?”  I ask.

“Because you’re creepy,” says Bernie.

“Oh, right,” I say.





  1. I’m not sure I would take any advice about sexual inspiration from cats. I love every cat that ever walked, but when they mate, golden showers always seem to be involved.

  2. what’s marlie’s “one thing”?

  3. Oh, I fucking called that shit. Feudal. Lord.

    Also, Magellan and Marie Curie? How random is that? Kind of creepy. Right.

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