You Are Not The Father’s Day

June 22, 2009

While I celebrated Fathers’ Day with a bottle of Old Granddad and a tub of sink cleaner, I was visited by Psycho Dave who was wearing a lab coat today.

“Do you think we can set up a DNA lab in the back of a van?”  Psycho Dave says to me.

“I don’t think you want something like that being motion,” I say.  “One sharp turn and everything spills.”

“We’d park it first before doing work,” says Psycho Dave.

“Why do you want a DNA lab in a van?”  I say.

“Because I have a new business plan,” says Psycho Dave.  “It’s a mobile paternity testing facility.  Just because you can’t get onto the Maury Povich show doesn’t mean you can’t make sure that kid is actually yours.”

“But we have a lab in town that already does DNA tests like that,” I say.

“True, but this one comes to your house,” says Psycho Dave.  “This is America, where we have everything delivered to our lazy asses as God intended.  It’s called Manifest Apathy.  Look it up, it’s in the Constitution.”

“It is not,” I say.  “Anyway, if these people are too lazy to leave the house to confirm that their child is really their child then I doubt they have the money to even afford such a test.”

“The DNA Van can do the test cheaper than the normal labs,” says Psycho Dave.  “Our overhead is lower.  Literally, because it’s in a van and they don’t have high ceilings.”

“So are you going to wait until people call you or are you going to drive around neighborhoods like the ice cream man?”  I say.  “But instead of handing out ice cream you’re taking blood from people?”

“We’ll be the Ice Cream Man only on Fathers’ Day,” says Psycho Dave.  “Because what better time to celebrate being a father than by confirming that you actually are the father?   Every other day we’ll be like the pizza delivery guy, coming to your house when you call.”

“And are you going to be doing the driving or the blood testing?”  I ask.

“Whichever one lets me tell a guy that he is not the father of the child in his arms,” says Psycho Dave.

It’s important to know what you want in a job, even if you don’t necessarily know what that job is.





  1. How would Lance Patriarchy feel about all of this?

    • Lance loves it when child support doesn’t have to be paid.

  2. “Manifest Apathy”…love it! And getting to tell a guy the kid’s not his has got to be one of the coolest perks I’ve ever heard of.

  3. Brilliant idea. DNA must be hard to figure out though. Maybe he could do drive through pregnancy tests.

  4. Never let it be said that Psycho Dave doesnt have a plan. It may not be a good plan but, at least he has ambition.

  5. He;s going to need a partner. How about Anonymous Doug? He’s probably the father of most of the babies anyway….

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