Your lies are outright, but your fabrications aren’t wild enough

June 23, 2009

The story about the woman who ran a blog about her troubled pregnancy with a “terminally ill child” that turned out to be all lies naturally got our attention here at Renal Failure, seeing how fabrications and lies are our bread and butter.

“Fake pregnant mommy knew how to market this bullshit,” I say.  “She was getting 100,000 hits a week.  I don’t think we’ve gotten 100,000 hits total.  I’m happy when we get over a hundred in one day.”

“And she got almost a million hits on her ultimate post saying her imaginary baby died,” says Mikka.  “I think we need to kill more babies here.  That’s what gets people to visit.”

“No, it’s less about dead babies and more about emotional manipulation and giving an audience what they want to hear,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “In this case the audience in question were looking for an excessively Christian pro-life narrative to latch onto.”

“Well, Marlie and I are Catholic but we’re not very good at it,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Mikka’s a Universal Unitarian, but they’re the O’Doul’s of Christianity.  I doubt we can provide enough Christianity for that audience to like us.  Even with Black Jesus.”

“And the only time we came close to being emotionally manipulative was Halloween Week with that zombie apocalypse story,” says Ninja Vicki.  “The Wheatleys got eaten.  So did Mikka.  Everyone dies at the end.  But at least we came clean at the end of the week.  But that was just for fun and diversion.  What fake pregnant mommy did was for her own selfish need for attention.”

“Yeah, we’ve never given anyone false hope like fake mommy blogger did to all those women reading her stuff,” says Anonymous Doug.  “At least I hope we haven’t given people hope, because  I’m not sure I’d know how to deal with that.”

“Hope is where you want to find it,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “You just need to be careful what you choose to find it in, because it can easily be dissolved by a sick attention whore lying about being pregnant.  And I know whores.”

“Well, there’s worse places to find hope than a blog of lies about a cyborg cat, a wiccan pimp, and an attractive samurai who kicks the holy hell out a clumsy ninja who no one will ever love,” says Samurai Cathy.

“Bitch, I’m going to send you to meet that imaginary dead baby in real Hell,” Ninja Vicki yells, going for her sword.

Bernie, Doug, and Tina hold Ninja Vicki back while Mikka, Avonia, and I hold Samurai Cathy back.  We don’t want to get kicked out of yet another chain restaurant, at least not until we get our fourth round of drinks.

vicki smallnote




  1. Ewww! Who goes to chain restaurants to order drinks?

    • Sadly, chain restaurants like Chili’s and Applebee’s are among the few establishments that will allow in women with swords and a half-cyborg cat.

  2. You know there are all these readers out in the ether that read your blog, fascinated that you’re actually friends with a Wiccan Pimp and half-cyborg cat. And Tag Larkin.

    • I’m just fascinated by Anonymous Doug…..

  3. I think just mentioning a Wiccan damns you right there in the eyes of most Christians. If Universal Unitarians are the O’Douls of Christianity, then Wiccans are the…uh…O’Douls of the Satanic Church? Hmmm. I’m not sure, but whatever is, to most fundie Christians, Wiccans aren’t a good thing. Apologies to Avonia.

  4. You should totally introduce a sick baby character… I can see no downside at all!

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