Lay on top of the speaker that booms

June 25, 2009

Question: What music does Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat like most?

If you answered World Music, punch yourself in the crotch. Tina the Lesbian doesn’t even listen to that, and she has enough tote bags from donating to PBS and NPR to make sails for a yacht.

The correct answer is old school rap from the 80’s and 90’s. Bernie loves himself some Wu-Tang Clan, N.W.A., Ice-T, and Run DMC.  Not that he’s necessarily a fan of hip hop, but because he loves sitting on top of his stereo speaker and feeling the bass pumping from it. And no other genre of music provides the sort of groove that shakes his sub-woofers like a good old school Ice Cube track provides.

Not to worry. He doesn’t listen to it late at night. He does it in the daylight hours so he can sun himself while feeling the vibrations of his favorite Tribe Called Quest song coming through the speaker. He looks so content, sitting with his little kitty eyes closed. He looks like he’s dreaming. Probably of killing humans.

And that’s probably what has the most appeal to Bernie: rap and hip-hop’s gritty unapologetic depiction of urban violence.   Heavy metal’s violence is usually on a larger, more apocalyptic scale and thus is not as easily enjoyable to Bernie because he’s not in command of large armies or nuclear weapons.  That and a lot of metal’s warrior anthems are set in the age of swords and shields, while hip-hop’s arsenal is flush with guns.  And Bernie loves his AK-47 attachment.

His wife Marlie’s not much for rap, unless it’s House of Pain because of their Irish heritage. She says most hip-hop is unintelligible.  She doesn’t understand why we laugh when she tells us that. She doesn’t understand a lot of things after that second coffee pot of whiskey.





  1. Tell Marlie to watch out. Wu Tang Clan ain’t nothing to fuck with.

  2. Put your hands . . . i mean, paw and AK-47 attachment in the air now!

  3. Well of course, all cats love C.R.E.A.M

    • Cats Rule Everything Around Me.

      Of the 36 chambers of the Wu-Tang Clan, 30 of them are for cats.

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