They don’t sell Oxi-Clean in Hell

July 9, 2009

With TV pitchman Billy Mays dead, the nation looks to the horizon for the next great salesman of things you didn’t know you needed but can purchase from the comfort of your recliner.  Sure, there’s Vince the ShamWow/Slap Chop guy, but he’s in a bit of trouble for beating up a hooker and that could have negative effects in the marketplace.

So we turn to the Renal Failure roster for a suitable replacement.  Avonia the Wiccan Pimp doesn’t quite have the aggression needed for selling food processors, for while pimping may not be easy it’s certainly easier than convincing people they need an Awesome Auger for their gardens.   Ninja Vicki’s not necessarily a good salesperson; she just sneaks into people’s houses while they sleep, leaves a tub of Oxi-Clean or Orange Glow, and then steals the appropriate amount of money from their wallets.  And no one can remember that they bought a Ronco dehydrator from Anonymous Doug,  so they keep returning them after they arrive in the mail.

But there is one person who can fill Billy Mays’ beard… Tag Larkin.

If Tag Larkin shows up on your TV and tells you to buy something, you’re going to buy two of them.  Tag Larkin could sell you a gallon of cancer.  Did you know you needed a gallon of cancer for your home, boat, or RV?  You do now, because Tag Larkin just told you.

Tag Larkin doesn’t even have to show you the product or give you customer testimonials.  He just stares into the camera and demands you buy whatever he’s selling.  You’re lucky if Tag Larkin even gives you the name of the product. Tag Larkin has already sold you the product, you just don’t know it yet.

Have your credit card ready.  Supplies are limited.  And if you act now, Tag Larkin will let you keep your face at no extra cost.





  1. but i thought the definition of hell was “where they sell Oxi-Clean”?

  2. But no one seems to understand our good fortune. God took Farrah, Ed and M.J. and threw in Billy Mays at no extra charge.

  3. What Tag wants Tag gets. I’m good with that.

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