Night of the Hot-Looking Dead

July 13, 2009

“So a lot of people still have that famous Farrah Fawcett poster from the 70’s,”  I say.

“And I’m one of them,” says Anonymous Doug.

“Is it going to be weird to whack off to it now that she’s dead?”  I say.

“Not at all,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I didn’t give up my Betty Page collection when she died in 2008.  I never stopped enjoying Deep Throat after Linda Lovelace died in 2002.  And I sure didn’t stop cranking it to Bea Arthur when she went this year.”

*blink* *blink*

“Bea Arthur?”  I say.

“Sometimes I’m in the mood for something unconventional,” says Anonymous Doug.  “She’s a tough old broad, like Pat Summit.  She’ll get in your face and make you love it.”

*blink* *blink*

“Seriously?  Bea Arthur?”  I say.  “Were you trying to whack it to Adrienne Barbeau on ‘Maude’ and you reached climax when Bea Arthur popped up on the screen, thus conditioning yourself in an unexpected way?”

“No, I’m just into a lot of weird shit,” says Anonymous Doug.  “My years of debauchery with impunity sometimes leaves me desensitized to what would normally stimulate the average person.  On those occasions, I need something just totally out there to get off.”

I’m afraid Anonymous Doug’s going to end up like David Carradine or Michael Hutchence or that pastor who suffocated while hogtied, wearing two wetsuits, and having a dildo up his ass.  Then again, I’m not sure what is a fitting death for an anonymous man like Doug.





  1. I need to visit The Smoking Gun more often, but is “smoking” exactly the condition of that pastor’s gun?

  2. damn that “conditioning in an unexpected way”

    but it does make picking basil for pesto sauce more than just a feast for the tongue

  3. Wait, so polishing the ferret to Bea Arthur is weird? I always learn so much when I come here.

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