Give Until It Hurts Someone ElseJuly 15, 2009
David Arquette is going to live in a plexi-glass box above the Madison Square Garden marquee for two days in an attempt to raise money for the world’s hungry. Well, only for eight hours at a time for those two days. I mean, come on, he’s not David Blaine. He’s an Arquette.
Usually if I hear David Arquette is in a movie my interest in seeing that movie goes down substantially. Never have I said “David Arquette’s in this movie? Oh man, it has to be good.” He’s in the same class as Ryan Reynolds and Paul Walker; that class being actors whose starring presence in a movie immediately tells me that it’s not going to be good.
Then there was that stint where he was a pro wrestler and actually held the World title in WCW, which is considered a major reason why the company failed and was then bought by Vince McMahon. The Baldwins never put a company out of business. Neither did the Carradines or the Barrymores.
So why would I give money to something fronted by my least favorite Arquette (at least pre-transition Alexis Arquette was in Pulp Fiction as the gunman with shitty aim)? Ooh, you’re sitting in a clear box in public for 8 hours. Toll booth operators do that.
I say if David Arquette wants my money to help world hunger, he should have it set up like this: the more money you give to the fund the longer he stays in the box. For a few dollars a day you can help keep David Arquette locked in a box, unable to act in any movies. Watch him lament the fact that he didn’t have a shower or toilet installed in his box. Witness his grip of reality crumble as sleep deprivation chips away at his sanity. Delight in his heaving sobs as retribution for that Ready to Rumble movie.
Celebrities are quick to latch onto causes, but how quick would they do that if they knew that the cause’s success hinged on donators wanting them to suffer? You might not care about the environment, but if fifteen bucks to Greenpeace gets Larry the Cable Guy shot in the thigh with a paintball gun then you might be willing to be charitable (thirty for an above the waist shot). If you told me every time I donate forty bucks to cancer research Jimmy Fallon gets roundhouse kicked in the head, there’d be a hospital wing named after me for my generosity. And I’m sure there’s a large charitable pain market for Ben Affleck, Angelina Jolie, the cast of Laguna Beach, the women of The View… the list is endless.
I’ve said before that if I give to charity they will revoke my Mianthrope Card, but I think this charity-for-pain idea is a workable loophole to that.